Swirl

Fire and water don't go together,
Light and Dark can never see each other,
yet, strangely sadness swirls with anger.

Oh cup, to the brim you have been filled,
I fear that if I don't tip you over I'll never be able to use you again. Let out your contents, the mix of colours and solutions, they don't settle well swirling, hurricane in a cup. Trickle away silently if you may, but if you gush out thunderous, no fault is there.

Wants and Desires

What do we need and what do we want?

In so many instances, the two are confused for each other, and it results in a problem that we, being the one involved, are unable to wade through and solve. What we want, we feel we need, what we need, we know we need, hence you see the problem. We always feel that we need something. Surely, this is not true.

Pause.

That is what we need, a moment to consider and weigh, and feel and think. Pause is what many people overlook because it is a natural instinct that kicks in; to desire greatly for something to the point of needing it.

It is a simple, but core problem that we have, that I have. How then can I distinguish between the two?

As most elegant solutions, they are hardly simple, involving layers upon layers of understanding, layers that are woven and inter-dependent on each other that it is absurd to accept one without another. Personally, it boils down to a matter of necessity, simply put. If that thing is necessary for me, I will need it, if it is not, then it is merely a want. Therein lies another problem, what is necessary?

Humans have unlimited desires and limited resources, an economic problem that bases its foundations on the social aspect of Humans being such. Personally, something is necessary if it is essential to my well-being. Essential carries with it the implication that it is good for me, that it is beneficial for me, as per the first assumption and that is tied to my well-being so closely that it is vital.

Take a look at our lives, how many of our desires are beneficial and essential? Very few.

It is really sobering when I take a Pause and question my instincts and thoughts, and I emerge with the conclusion that it was merely a want, a desire. Something in there is not working properly, something in there is pointing the wrong directions and asking for the wrong things.

Something needs fixing.

Peace

The leaves spoke to me and I spoke to them,
and we shared similar sentiments.

The wind waved in my direction, mentioning what was on my mind,
and I smiled and thank her for the reminder.

A sensation of peace and contentment enveloped me,
and I literally swayed in my steps, smiling like a fool.

The Heart is in constant flux, ever changing, sought after,
but after a while, it stops and it simply remains.

______________________

I wrote this very many months ago;

It lies in tranquillity, the storm of days past gone.
It sways to the Whisper of the Wind, a soft blowing breeze.
It rests in a pool of Light, a soft enlightening Illumination.

When the storms raged and sought to ravage, it clung on.
When the winds howled with ferocity, it shut it out.
When the darkness swallowed and blinded, it sought Light.

Its current state comes not by chance, but by effort.
Effort comes not without direction, but with a purpose.
Purpose comes not without understanding, but with knowledge.
Knowledge comes not without invitation, but with enlightenment.
Enlightenment comes not to those that are unworthy, but only to the Pure.

Alhamdulillah
______________________

It is the quietest of battles, fought so silently,
yet the spoils of war have no end, to the victor is eternity.

Knowing

It really is an existential question, to really assimilate the essence and meaning of the Testimony.

I testify that there is no god but Allah,

and that Muhammad is His Messenger.

HOW? 

How can I even begin to capture the meaning of this Testimony that I make every single day, every single hour, every single moment that I prostrate myself to Him, when I have no knowledge of Him, no semblance of intimacy to One I am supposed to testify with

Knowledge
Certainty
Sincerity
Truthfulness
Contentment
Submission [to duties]
and Acceptance

that there is none other than Him.

The importance of knowledge and knowing cannot be further reiterated.

Alas, Knowledge comes as He wills, not at the mere demands of a servant to his Master, 

and with great patience, care and perseverance, it will come, for He is Most Fair.

He who knows himself, knows his Lord.

Gifts

Random thoughts and sporadic epiphanies.

A gift, is considered a gift simply because it is given.
A gift, is given, when it is intended, with full knowledge.
A gift, is intended to be of benefit and goodness.
A gift, is to be valued, appreciated and treasured.
A gift, is sincere.

And what do we do when we receive gifts?

We say "Thank You."

If we do not know how to use the gift, we learn, because appreciation is not the same as value.
Appreciation is liking something for what it seems, and being thankful for its mere receipt or appearance.
Value comes from knowing what it means, what it is intended for, and learning how to use it as intended.

Vengeance

It is a horrible feeling when people pin their hopes and expectations on you, or when circumstances seem to indicate that you are supposed to be this and that, and yet, you seem to just not hit the mark, and people point it out to you - how you're not this and that, and that you're supposed to be this and that, and you just feel really horrible, as if YOU wanted people to think of you that way, or whatsoever, which you're not.

I get it, 

I am not smart, 

or intelligent, 

or emotionally-sensitive, 

or sensitive, 

or wise, 

or considerate,

like how I am supposed to be.

I am just fortunate,

to be who I am,
to have what I have,
to do what I do,

and true enough, every remark can be viewed positively, each a critique of your character and ability, and should ideally be viewed positively, as points of improvement. But really, sometimes it hits home and you just feel horribly incompetent as a human being, as if all my actions are for naught, that they are unwanted, or worse, that they are wrong and that all my efforts to be a better human being is seemingly to no avail and I am still that horrid human being that you have always painted me to be. 

Of course I have no desire to tell you of my desires and efforts to improve myself, but really, something must be evidently wrong to be reminded over and over again of my incompetence. It really is a wonderful feeling, its light at the beginning, and you feel normal, then it hits you and you sink faster than the Titanic. Wonderful.

Silence

It has been some time since I last experienced this deafening silence that wraps around me.
Sounds that are normally heard suddenly become overwhelmingly loud noises when it breaks the silence.
Things seem further than where they really are and things become smaller and bigger than they seem.
The beat of my heart is felt pulsating behind my eyes and my head feels dizzy with all this noise.
But what is worse than the noise is the concrete silence that follows, so loud it clouds my thinking.
It thumps against my head and the voice inside seems so loud, desperate to quell this intimate torture.

This is the stuff of nightmares.
Always. Always.

Detergent

There are times when I blink, half-expecting things to change within that fraction of a second.

Moments when the veil of illusion cast upon this world is lifted and I sway, heady.

My heart would grow heavy, not with sadness but with longing.

Something is trembling inside, albeit not of fear.

I do not know how to describe it.

Times of remembrance.

I breath a sigh.

Life.

-

It is a scary feeling when I catch myself forgetting.

When I am caught in some moment, too much in some place.

My heart would grow weak in my chest, almost lost.

Syukur Alhamdulillah for all that He has given.

There is nothing I seek but to always be in remembrance.

Alas, that is a goal I am still and always will be aspiring to.

-

We know ourselves better than we let others, definitely.

Our shortcomings, our failures, the wrecks tucked away in time.

Our pride, our ego, our desires and our hopes, rolling thunder.

Enough is enough, till when will I live so carelessly? Ungrateful.

Ever on will I crawl, walk and run toward the Light, no matter.

For the time He has given, I will make do with what I have.

This Heart needs cleansing, only then will it be worthy.

-

InsyAllah

God-Willing