This concern they have for me, I wonder why. I guess its natural for them to 'watch out' for me, but they are blissfully unaware of what goes on in there, in the mind and in the heart. With heart in throat, I assess their choices, their reasoning, the outcome. I guess its natural for them to think as such, their thoughts in the same general direction. I am not invincible, for all that I do, I am merely human, and humans feel. I deny my emotions, yes, I deny my heart. They say to take care of my own, but I deny it. It cannot be. I have trained, yes, consciously trained, with time and effort, to still the emotional swirl that exists in the heart. No, that is wrong, indeed. I have trained rather to not let the emotional swirl to affect me. To rise above this human nature. It is unnatural, but I go down this path for my own sake. Heck, the ones that I show are the ones that most easily understood, happiness and anger. Why? Because I see no point in the rest, think and it will be clear to you as it became clear to me. But it seems that I've grown complacent, maybe. Their words, they slither and plant themselves in my mind, be it firmly or loosely, it doesn't matter. I grow weary of thinking, for years, I have thought so much, thinking it is the wise thing to do, but alas, I have learnt, to think, that will only work so much. Sometimes, we must let it play out, things will happen as they do, if they don't, there is only one to blame. Relent and accept. Listen to the heart, ignore the ever on-going conflict between the heart and the mind. Simple, but oh so difficult. People think too much. I try not to, but inevitably, people think for me and here I am, in this predicament that I have sought to evade. Why oh why. Heart in throat, I consider and weigh out. Even then, I listen to the most subtle of messages of my heart. Why? Because that is the correct way.

I seek from You as others do, 

for clarity of thought, 

of the mind 

and of the heart. 

For I am lost without You.

They say, in time, all shall be revealed.
Thinking is and will always take too much effort.
Sometimes, what we seek, what we want, what we have, is not what we need.
So what then gives us what we need, and how?
A better question yet, how do we know what we need?
With so many things presented to us, sometimes, thinking merely hinders the process.
One moment, one insight, is all we need.
We can only supplicate and hope we know.
With enough conviction and faith, it will come to us, one way or another.

... .. . . .. . .. . .. . .. .. .. ... . . .. . . . . .. .. . .. ... .. ... .. . . . . .. ... . . . ... . . . .. . .. .. .

I hear my heart pounding in my chest,
blood rushing through my veins,
skin sheening with beads of perspiration.

My head hurts,
My heart hurts,
but it is all okay.

Cos for a moment, one moment,
in a day of 24 hours, 86 400s,
I stop thinking, and all is fine.

All that I feel is me,
aware of my existence,
the world stops, I am alive.

I feel small, oh so small.
All that I am, a mere gift.
My breath, my life.

My mind is at peace,
my heart is at peace,
and all is fine.
___________________________