In the quiet of the night, when things become deafeningly silent, and your mind's thundering with thoughts that prevent you from sleeping, I want you to remember that my voice is only eight digits away.

In the stillness of your bed, where all is static and unmoving, and you feel that you're the only one there, all alone wrapped in your blanket, I want you to remember that I am always with you, by your side.

In the non-stop whirring of your thoughts, from A to Z they whiz by, when you feel that they are becoming overwhelming and seem to exert their effects onto you, I want you to remember that I am always here, a listening ear.

I strive to be the best for you,

but my failures seem to be more significant.

My heart in my throat,

I look back and feel disappointed in myself.

Anger gels with sadness,

but the emotions in you take precedence.

I want to take care of you,

and I really do, I mean what I say.

All I can ask and hope for,

is that you will give me another chance.

...... ... .. . .. . . .. .... .. .. ... .. .. ... ... .. .... ... .. . ... ... .. .... .. . ..

I always tell you that I have voices in my head that express their disappointment or anger at me when I have done something wrong, my story being me doing Math in secondary school. I take it as a good sign that as I made my long walk back home, past the blocks and up the bridge, my inner voice was blasting me non-stop.

I have been selfish, as I said, always making you feel guilty for wanting something which I don't, I regret that. I have been tactless, for not seeing how my words were affecting you, how your eyes dip down when I talk.

I say this with a very heavy heart, and I mean every word that I say, I am sorry, I seek your forgiveness and I hope that you can give me one more chance to redeem my words. My inner voice only comes out when it senses that I am doing something wrong when I should be doing it right. You. I want to make you right, and that is why my inner voice has spoken, cos I have not been doing so, and right now, I really want to. Please.

... . .. .. . ... . .. . . .. . . . . .. .. . . .... ... ... ... . . ... . ... .... ... ... .. ..

A tree.

All things begin with a seed.

Be it animal or plant, we all have similar beginnings.

But what differs us all is how we grow, and change with time.

Like rivers, we meander through time, weaving through obstacles here and there.

It shapes us, makes us who we are, but really, does our environment influence our change?

Looking back, change has been a passive, it is acted upon, something we do actively.

Men, we are volatile, like a river, we can either bend to the world, or we go headstrong.

I am but a mere sapling, still young and naive, with many years to go ahead of me (Hopefully!)

But even now, when I look around, I see the people around me succumbing to the dark world

A melancholic wind whispers its sad tune to me, but it motivates me to remain as I am.

Some lessons in life can be learnt from just observing that which God has made, untouched.

Look at the simple tree, it is everywhere.

A tree begins with a seed.

Just as all things do.

That seed will receive

like all, the necessary.

However, interestingly,

all trees, no matter what

environment or nutrition,

will always grow towards

the light that enlightens it.

It can be battered by the

world, by others and what not,

but it remains constant and grows

towards that which it deems most vital.

The light that enlightens and gives growth.

They say as we grow up, we change, we change.

Lets look at the fundamentals, our character and values.

They say as we mature, we understand better and change.

However, is that really ideal? The tree grows the same type of leaves,

ever since day one, till the day it dies, it has the same trunk and type of leaves.

The years simply allow it to be stronger, healthier, better, but nonetheless, still the same.

But alas, the tree is made perfect for its being a tree, and thus, it has no need to change, but merely to adapt.

I guess, the issue at hand is to ensure that our very fundamentals are correct before we make a change within

I sincerely hope that my fundamentals and values have been correct, cause some say that I have not changed

I pray that it is, for if it so, I know now that all Time can do for me is to make me into a better person in time.

Insyallah.

and as trees go, even in shadow, they move towards the light,

I hope that we move to the light too, I will do my best to do so

1 + 1 = 2
2 + 2 = 4

Simple.

ax^2 + bx + c = 0
where (b^2 - 4ac)^1/2 > 0
hence x = (-b +/- (b^2 - 4ac)^1/2)/2a

Still simple enough.

Emotional turmoil
'No, its just unfair for you then'
Empty words and untrue assumptions

This is where shit gets messy.

As hot tears flow out, a coolness settles over the heart, like earth deprived of water, it hardens and cracks.

We absorb what we choose to hear, read and see. Logical deduction follows, and the outcome, our understanding of the matter, is essentially the product of our own choices. But the heart doesn't abide by the same process. It feels what it feels, it doesn't have to have a reason to, it just does. We naturally associate our emotions with our thoughts, justifying how we are feeling with reasons. It is an ethereal invisible and almost indiscernible link, but sometimes, there is a difference. We feel what we feel, and sometimes, there are no reasons for it, we need no reasons for it.

and I have been told, no matter what the clash is between our mind and our heart, always listen to the heart. I pride myself to be a man of logic, and ironically, I adhere to that saying strongly. Irony carries with it a a
negative connotation, but this is far from negative. We don't understand why, but I know it to be otherwise. It being spoken by a sage may be why.

we all have secrets,

like the corners of a room, inevitably cast in shadow.

some, we share among the closest, others we leave open, a question away.

and a few that we keep behind lock and key, thrown deep into the sea.

late at night, 

our thoughts travel far and wide, and wriggle deep down even.

tight lipped, brows furrowed and eyes either closed or open, distant.

they unravel for us to see what is reflected in the heart.

the cup is full,

filled to the brim with anger, fear and anxiety.

it weighs heavily on the mind, we enter a ponderous sleep.

there, our mind seeks to make sense of all and the result?

Dreams.

I lay awake, thinking of you thinking.
Its a troubling thing to think of,
But, an essential one, one in dire thought.
Thinking allows us to process, to weigh our decisions, rationallity and irrationality.
However, did God not put the human soul prior to letting the mind work?
Sometimes, no, often, I wonder. How would we be if we let our hearts rule our lives, it will be simpler, imperfect, but definitely sincere.
Our heart is from Him, and He knows best, for indeed, if we remember Him, He will remember us, and all shall be arranged.
An eternal internal war is being waged, between the heart and the mind, and I know for a fact, that no matter what, the heart must be the victor. My heart goes out to you oh reader, listen to my words and that it may bring you peace of mind and of heart :)

Today I remembered th reason to why I used to not show emotion.

a concrete face, a stone heart, an icy gaze,
They were my arms when facing moments when emotional breakdown would spell disaster. A quick, unfeeling and logical mind. Today I remembered why I had actually put it effort to sharpen the ability to remove myself from emotional attachment. Self control, patience and power. Today, I witnessed the weakness of emotional expression;

the seething teeth, the shivering arms, the stuttering and excessively loud tone. The raging fury that clouds your logic and sense, your awareness to reason and error. Silence, a nod here and there, the cool gaze that stares at your blood shot eyes. Oh what an illusion.

Respect, empathy and peace.

I don't understand what my body goes through, my vision sharpens, I see every detail, my peripherals extend, your tone, the environment, your actions, everything seems clearer. You grow distant, the room seems larger and you move further away. My body tenses ever so slightly, my muscles swollen with blood and fury. My lips are pursed, my eyes always looking straight into yours. Slow and deep breaths, my voice deepens when I speak, slow and calm. My mind not simply focused on the current scenario, playing multiple possible scenarios at once, my answers, curt, logical and unfeeling, quiet in my mind. You say I assume, yes you are correct. Let me finish. But, no. Its not worth it, yes, I am wrong and yes I show a lack of responsibility. Yes you are right. But your assumptions to why, I'm sorry to say, you're wrong. I like my job, I care for my men, for you however, not so much.

Simple as that.

'Is it a mistake if you don't regret it?'

My eyes are warm, its a sign that they are tired.
My body aches, its a sign that its are tired.
My head hurts, its a sign that its tired.

visible. What about the invisible?

we often find ourselves in situations where we are unable to voice our opinions, emotions and retorts. we hold them back, keep them in, often with the comfort that its not worth it. Sure, you can do that, but eventually, surely, one day, you will feel like letting it all go, just one unfortunate crack and its all out, gushing out with all the fury of pent up emotions. release. we feel bad, but we feel good. deep down, we know that until that has happened, there will always be something within us that swirls and makes a nest in our mind, occupying our thoughts and our heart. sometimes, what we really need is just release. however, the reluctance, the condition that allows for this is one that we rarely come by. as humans do, we seek comfort in others, they become our avenues of release, our emotional jars where the hurt, pain, anger, shame, fear and hope simply go to. where do they come from, these pillars of support?

Thank you.

In life, we meet many people, some, like the trees that we pass by day to day, providing shade when we are there, and are just, passing by. then, there are those that are like the comfortable feel of something familiar. they are the treasure of human relations, the people (not necessarily person) that is there for you, there to hear you out, there to tell you off, there to need you, there to be merry, there to be sad, the people that are always there. it takes time, time strains all things, and as it goes, when something recovers from strain, it becomes stronger. a simple but reliable test, time.

Death.

I see you in every waking hour, the sun that lightens the world, the evening wind that chills my spine. you are a bittersweet companion that accompanies me in all my journey. I have yet to know you as well, and as such, i am still reluctant to embrace you. For now, we shall remain as acquaintances and you shall be there to remind me of that which i must always remember.

Myself.

we hear so many voices in our life, telling us to do this and that,
sometimes, we must silent them and listen closely to only one,
the voice of our heart always ring true but is often ignored.
know yourself, know your heart, and it will always speak to you.

I dream big.
The bigger they are, the higher the risks, the harder the obstacles, the longer it takes.
But it all boils down to the niat, the intention behind it.
If its good, the Universe will ensure that you will be tested before it can be achieved.
Why? Because only if you persevere and fight for your dreams do you deserve it.
The secret to achieving success is simple, effort and doa, prayers.
With that, I pray to You, God, give me that which I desire,
and should you not, give me the strength to accept that which you have decided for me,
I relent, for indeed, you are the All-Knowing, All-Understanding.

the slow rise of the edges of your mouth,
the world coming to a stop and time slows down,
the quiet silence that envelopes.

the quivering stillness of shut lips,
the world reverberating the echo in your thoughts,
the bitter quiet that haunts.

a smile adorns the face of the pained,
a silent breath follows that smile after,
a slow blink with glitters and shadow,
a shadow seen in the presence of light.

In the purest form of sincerity, that which is given, is given freely, with no demand or request for payment or reward. That, is sincerity. No reason is needed, reason implies thought, and thought is a request of the mind to justify the actions of the heart, and that, diminishes sincerity. We pay no heed and smile in the dark, in our heart. No announcement, exclamation or boast. A simple contentment, and that is all. Simple? I think not.

we close our eyes and drift to sleep, our mind, it wanders to thoughts left behind.
what we dream, we feel and we see, emotions, sensations, and chemical reactions.
we don't choose what we dream, guided by unseen forces, told by unheard voices.
what is it that we dream of, seemingly random, but we know deep down it isn't.
we see objects, places, people. and it all seems so real, this indoor cinema we are.

I am a dreamer. my mind is hardly ever silent, ever active, especially at night.
they say our mind is most active when we are asleep, i don't doubt that.
They come and go, sometimes one, sometimes many, just waltzing through my mind.
pieces of my reality here and there, with a pinch of desire here and there.
I need to dream, it calms the swirl of thoughts that reside, and lets the heart take over.
maybe that's why when you try to understand your dreams with thought, it doesn't work.
Yet you know inside, inside, something clicked and there it is, understanding.

I aspire to be a Man of Science, of hypothesis, theories and Logic.
I aspire to be a Man of Religion, of faith, submission and God.

I realize this dichotomy can only be fully realized if I hurl myself fully into both.
A wise man once told me, scientists today are on the right track, they just tend to stop midway.
I hope to God that I will one day be a scientist, and a good one at that.
For my hope in today's world is slowly dwindling away and it must be renewed.
And I know, somehow deep down, I will be, and hopefully, "All iz well."

I live in the present and enjoy the present, I don't think,
Its a fault of mine, its what I do.
It makes me smile, I hope it does you too.

Equilibrium, is it so hard to achieve?
sometimes, we want more of something, but that doesn't mean that its wrong does it?
wanting more is fine. what matters is how much more. this is where there arises some concerns.
you see, greed, this scumbag part of humans to always want more, the temptation, to desire for more than necessary, to never be contented with what we have, is a real shit when it comes to ruining the human spirit.
it drives us, motivates us, but almost inevitably, we will surpass the line which says 'stop here' and shit goes down, in a spiral. I don't get it. its a disease right there, this attachment we have with worldly possessions. it distorts our sense of appreciation and other crap. everytime i think of how the world functions on greed, how the guy with the thicker wallet tends to get what he wants, it sickens me. it repels me. shit i don't want more money, but sadly, its a world where money truly is the oil that hinges the gears of society, and even nations. fuck that shit.

no. what we need is equilibrium.

I believe I am a strange young man. Sometimes, I feel young, thoughtless and reckless, out to have fun. Others, I feel old, almost ancient, clear headed and not at all bogged down by this miniature Life. However, there are those times where I am suddenly in a swirl, neither old nor young, phasing in and out, somewhere in between. I am pretty sure if anyone can read my mind, they would be rather... confused. The reason may be because I have stopped, a while ago, to think. A natural process, but no, this does not mean that I do not think, I merely don't allow this shallow and limited logical process to reign supreme over me. Instead, I listen to the whispering Heart. My father once questioned, one of concern, What do we do if there is a conflict between the two? The answer was simple. There will always be a conflict, but no matter what, always listen to the latter. Simple, yet deceivingly difficult. At times, I feel that I am a lie. A contradiction. But that is the very nature of this path, it sends shivers of fear down my spine, yet gives me the simplest and most sincere of happiness. Possibly the hardest thing that is tied to the simplest of things is to face yourself, to know every facet of your being, your character, your beliefs and your thoughts. This seems to be the hardest thing to do in this era. Now, people want to be someone else, live another life. In this age of wanton desire and greed, we lose ourselves. That is where we all go wrong. Every day I am learning about myself. My thoughts feed this journey to disobey them, a paradox. In the end, we all submit to the grander scheme of things, for what do we know, we know nothing. That is where my thought ends, when it realizes its non-existence.

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The lights go dark and I'm left all alone,

here in the dark, my thoughts they roam.

Memories, emotions, they seem to be one,

as I mingle in between and among them.

No thought comes to mind, yet, 

the mind goes to all that's thought.

We see ourselves, deaf and blind,

no, not through the sights and sounds.

We see ourselves, naked and bare,

for one can never lie to The One out there.

A shiver runs down my spine and everything stops,

alas, it is time for me to dream.

This concern they have for me, I wonder why. I guess its natural for them to 'watch out' for me, but they are blissfully unaware of what goes on in there, in the mind and in the heart. With heart in throat, I assess their choices, their reasoning, the outcome. I guess its natural for them to think as such, their thoughts in the same general direction. I am not invincible, for all that I do, I am merely human, and humans feel. I deny my emotions, yes, I deny my heart. They say to take care of my own, but I deny it. It cannot be. I have trained, yes, consciously trained, with time and effort, to still the emotional swirl that exists in the heart. No, that is wrong, indeed. I have trained rather to not let the emotional swirl to affect me. To rise above this human nature. It is unnatural, but I go down this path for my own sake. Heck, the ones that I show are the ones that most easily understood, happiness and anger. Why? Because I see no point in the rest, think and it will be clear to you as it became clear to me. But it seems that I've grown complacent, maybe. Their words, they slither and plant themselves in my mind, be it firmly or loosely, it doesn't matter. I grow weary of thinking, for years, I have thought so much, thinking it is the wise thing to do, but alas, I have learnt, to think, that will only work so much. Sometimes, we must let it play out, things will happen as they do, if they don't, there is only one to blame. Relent and accept. Listen to the heart, ignore the ever on-going conflict between the heart and the mind. Simple, but oh so difficult. People think too much. I try not to, but inevitably, people think for me and here I am, in this predicament that I have sought to evade. Why oh why. Heart in throat, I consider and weigh out. Even then, I listen to the most subtle of messages of my heart. Why? Because that is the correct way.

I seek from You as others do, 

for clarity of thought, 

of the mind 

and of the heart. 

For I am lost without You.

They say, in time, all shall be revealed.
Thinking is and will always take too much effort.
Sometimes, what we seek, what we want, what we have, is not what we need.
So what then gives us what we need, and how?
A better question yet, how do we know what we need?
With so many things presented to us, sometimes, thinking merely hinders the process.
One moment, one insight, is all we need.
We can only supplicate and hope we know.
With enough conviction and faith, it will come to us, one way or another.

... .. . . .. . .. . .. . .. .. .. ... . . .. . . . . .. .. . .. ... .. ... .. . . . . .. ... . . . ... . . . .. . .. .. .

I hear my heart pounding in my chest,
blood rushing through my veins,
skin sheening with beads of perspiration.

My head hurts,
My heart hurts,
but it is all okay.

Cos for a moment, one moment,
in a day of 24 hours, 86 400s,
I stop thinking, and all is fine.

All that I feel is me,
aware of my existence,
the world stops, I am alive.

I feel small, oh so small.
All that I am, a mere gift.
My breath, my life.

My mind is at peace,
my heart is at peace,
and all is fine.
___________________________