It seems like an eternity since I last wrote down my thoughts here, ho dayum.

There is no point in trying to fill up the gaps in time for it has been too long and this would be a terribly wordy and lengthy post! Instead, I shall, as I always have, write whatever that pops into my head.

It seems that as the days go by, be it those with many things to do or those where I just laze around, I am slowly and definitely changing. To what, I am not exactly sure, but how, I think I have a better clue. As to whether it is good or bad, that.. is entirely subjective. In my opinion, it seems like the change that I've always known will come. As the way things are in the world, there are pros and cons. The cons have surfaced and they are evidently cons, the emotions they stir in others, the actions that entails, the talk, the silence, and most importantly, the lack of such within me. With that, I have stated what I deem to be a pro that comes with this not-very-slight paradigm shift that I have adopted. Essentially, that is the change.

To say that I have lots to say, is a lie. But I do have plenty of thoughts. Very plenty.

For someone who has schooled his facial expression to not show much emotion, I seem to have lost this ability, and frankly, I'm quite disappointed in myself for that. I rarely show other emotions apart from happiness, but it seems that nowadays, there are others like disappointment, sadness, anger and jealousy, or whatever. I deem them unnecessary, as if they're excess baggage, not to me, but to others. I don't fully understand why but yeah, I just think like that. Now, whenever I feel other emotions apart from happiness, it seems as if it would just appear on my face and people would worry or start wondering why. I'm not that a retard to keep all of them to myself, there are a select few of which I pour out my emotions to, but it seems now that even a passer-by may see it. This frustrates me. Its not that I mean to portray a stoic appearance or anything of that sort, I just don't like to. By nature, I don't like to burden people, so maybe that has a part to play in this peculiar mindset of mine. Furthermore, myself being a person that expresses myself more comfortably in words, I realize that sometimes, there is a dilemma of sorts in truly expressing myself, a clash between whether I want whoever I'm speaking to to get what I think or feel, or to just keep it to myself and not bother the person. The core of this dilemma lies in the fact that I want this person to get me, without making it too obvious. Its true, I'm a difficult person sometimes, I layer my words with words and eventually, it all gets lost, but yeah, that is me. Looking at this whole thing now, I realize that it is a minute issue, but oh well, I have to say something, no matter how insignificant it is or nonsensical. Goodnight.

15 weeks, that's 105 days. I had to use a calculator to find that out, that can only mean one thing, its a large number. HUNDRED AND FIVE DAYS. That's how long I've been with my mates, NS 01, from day one to POP. Indeed it has been a roller coaster ride for all of me, for all of us, with all the squabbles we had, all the laughter we shared, all the grueling hours of training we endured together... Strong bonds were forged with these 33 people, especially so for the nine who stayed in the same bunk as me. Damn, its getting emotional over here. For all the times of us complaining for time to go by faster, when I look back now, I wish it could be slowed down more. Upon our passing out, I doubt I could meet up with all of them, I think i'll be lucky if I even manage to meet up with those I'm close to! Although last Friday was a joyous occasion for all of us, deep inside me, behind all the smiles and laughter, a small part of me was tearing slightly. Really. Although we have only known each other for a relatively short time, I am proud to say that some of these people are really some of the best people I've met, a real embodiment of the term friend. I can't really describe how I feel when I think of them, the friendship we have, maybe because my literary skills have taken a beating from such a long hiatus, but I can assure you that it is sincere and true. Damn, I will miss them crazy people. I'm a sucker for goodbyes.

To be so near, yet so far.
Present, but not available.
To yearn for presence, only to be saddened by absence.
Succumbing to circumstantial conditions that just, inhibits.
This sinking feeling of sadness, so long have I not felt your chilling touch.
Th gagging in the throat, a rise in temperature, eyes feeling teary and hot.
A long blink, and vision is blurred by minute tears.
Th agonizing sensation that overwhelms the heart.
Th slow deep breaths that ensue, with much deliberation.
A tremble from deep within, ending with shivers all along.

Oh how I miss you so.

In camp, we have this monthly talk for Muslims by this dude. A simple guy, who used to be in police too, just like us, middle-aged and slightly round. However, what is most unique and worthy of mention regarding this guy is that he chose to pursue a life of religious pursuits, both in academics and lifestyle, a rare sight in todays society of materialism and whatnot. His purpose is to simply guide us back to th path, should we have strayed from it, or to strengthen th faith of others. He tells us of stories and experiences he had, simple ones, heavily founded on morals yet strongly linked to Islam. One can always say that good morals and such are attributes of most religions, yet he is somehow able to discern and distinguish between Islam and other religions, through his in-depth knowledge as well as memorization of particular verses from the Al-Quran that just seems to fit each and every topic touched or question raised by any of us. I've heard many people preach about Islam, yet he is subtly but profoundly different from the rest of them. His words, which may be spoken out of humour even, are able to strike a cord in me. When others are laughing or dozing off, I am found listening very closely to them. Like a masterful artist, he is able to blend humour and lessons into a single form where it is both appealing yet holds a much greater meaning to it. Be it that he is a simple or great man, what matters is that he is beautiful in the inside, and i am truly grateful to God for allowing my life to be touched by this man. Just needed to express my gratitude. Alas, all is takes is a single drop to cause ripples throughout a whole pond.

my personal statement, I don't know how to feel about it. its supposed to highlight my academic interest and intellectual capacity. OH WELL.



In the 2nd year of Junior College, I was involved heavily in many sports competitions, 2 at national levels, the National Schools Sports Climbing Competition (NSSCC) in 2010 and the National A Divisions Cross Country as well  as 4 others that are recognized locally and internationally. As such, much of my time after curriculum hours as well as weekends are spent at school trainings and personal training. Albeit, the sacrifice I made was worth it as I managed to emerge as champion for one of the 4 competitions, namely Pumpfest 2010 as well as the silver award for speed team and Overall Best School in NSSCC 2010.

I have always been and always will be, a devoted sportsmen, yet I am also one that prides myself in my academics. Throughout the year, I was stretched for time while balancing academics and sports. However, being in my final year where opportunities for competing were dwindling, I made a risky decision to prioritize competitions for the first half of the year and believe in my intellectual capacity as well as passion for academics to drive me for the extremely vital second half where exams and much stress would come upon me. I am passionate for Biology and despite that decision, I made it a resolution to ensure that my Biology grades remain at least a B and I am proud to say that I fulfilled that resolution. Most of my teachers saw it as an unweighted decision on my part and decided to let me be. Knowing myself to be a high calibre student, I chose not to let their disapproval affect me. However, they were a handful who had faith in me. They believed I knew what I was doing and this simple gesture was what drove me during the difficult times.

It was during the A levels results day that I was able to prove to many of my teachers otherwise by doing exceptionally well for my A levels by getting 6 Distinctions. Given my passion and perseverance, I strongly believe that if i were given the right opportunities, I would be able to harness my potential and excel.

Life.

There are some people in this world, whom whenever you meet them, or even just intend to meet them, will make you realize what kind of person you are, all the deeds you've done, be it the good, or the bad, and just open your eyes to see who you are. A strange feeling overwhelms me whenever I meet such people, suddenly, I feel ashamed, for whoever I will meet, these people, they are the best of people, not in appearance or status, but of character, be it kindness, patience, or tolerance and here I am, someone who clearly knows that sometimes, what I do is wrong, and yet, continue to do so. I feel dirty, impure, contaminated with whatever the world has tempted me with. Then I ponder on more than the world, about Death and the Afterlife. How, how can I meet with my Creator, when even with the people whom he has blessed I am already ashamed to meet?

Heart in throat, thats what I felt. I am grateful that I am able to have such experiences, happy to say that I have to capacity to realize such things and a simple wish that I will better myself with each experience.

MAN, you really only know the value of some things only till you lose it, like th comfort of your bed, th comfort of waking up late during th day, th comfort of hot showers and even th simple comfort of good tasting Milo that i've been served all my life! As you can already deduce, my life has taken a rather drastic renovation, widely known to all male Singaporeans above th age of 18 as NATIONAL SERVICE. I am now bald, black, and definitely getting fitter, and I'm not complaining, its a breath of fresh air that I like actually. I've only served a mere 10 days out of th one YEAR and ten MONTHS I owe the nation and already I sense a difference in me.

Th 10 days have had a profound impact in me, despite its short duration, I have forged a strong bond with my squad, relinquishing the individualistic feelings we have and attaining a more rewarding 'we' instead of 'me', and especially so with my bunkmates with whom I will be staying with for at least 3 months. They're a bunch of cool people I tell you, sometimes we share moments where only we get it, and damn, its really mind-numbingly funny. The 10 of us, 7 of which are Malay and 3 others being Chinese, HAHA! These 10 days is our confinement week in which as th name states, we're confined for 10 days straight, unable to book out during weekends, supposedly a rather tough time, hah. And true that, we did get a lot of drilling, scolding, punishments and pumping, emotions were high on some occasions but we always had to remind ourselves that we must always think as a group and things would settle down, more or less. One for all, all for one, simple rule, live by it and its all good, or all bad, choose one. Thankfully most of my squad mates are cooperative and believe in being a single unit, so its all good! Another thing from th 10 days is th experience of communal living, damn its a good feeling! Wake up every morning you pass by your 'neighbours' and we all still in mid slumber, eyes half open make our way slowly to the toilet to wash/freshen up, that is until someone shouts 'HURRY UP ITS ALMOST TIME!' then as if by magic, you see everyone rushing around, as if time was fast forwarded to twice its normal speed and BOOMZ! We're all in our formation awaiting instructions, and thats how a typical day begins, at 5am. Then later at night, you see us in our shorts with slippers and a singlet on, walking around, cleaning our bunks, or on th floors polishing our boots or just resting and talking rubbish with each other. Time slows down at night, its a good way to wind down! Yeah, I can get used to this for awhile more... And then theres th singing while we're bathing, its like a mini Singapore Idol between th cubicles I tell you! Haha! Thankfully, theres 2 of us that can sing, so its quite nice sometimes, before everyone joins in, and just becomes a din. What goes on in between these two occurences are too various to say, but I have essentially summarized it by saying that its always a 'we' and not 'me' and that takes shape in many forms, during our drills, during PT, during lessons and even when we're just sitting down doing nothing awaiting instructions. Magic word : Discipline.

Alright, Ima sleep now.

I was having a conversation with someone.

They say you should love God, but before you love anything, you must KNOW about that thing, right? Know what are the qualities of that thing that make you love that thing. And before THAT, you must know yourself, know what are the things that you love, so that you may find it somewhere else. So here I am, wondering, in the wee hours of the night, typing away my thoughts as they come, sometimes like a crawl through the mud, slow and arduous, full of effort, others as effortlessly as water flowing. Do I know myself? Thats a question I've always pondered time and again. It may sound absurd but personally, I think its a very important question. You gotta know yourself so that when you decide on something, you are fully away of your undertaking of whatever you chose. I talk, a lot. However, whenever I'm silent, I realize my thoughts are always swirling around a few significant things, and the many branches that are linked to them, namely Life, Death and God. Theres a saying that goes something along the lines of 'A person is truly himself when he is alone.'

I am drowning my thoughts in music, my eyes are closed and the music swallows me whole. This is a good feeling.

I am small, on a tricycle, cycling around th carpark in th dark of night, all alone, strangely unafraid as I discover strange things at every corner, a shadow trailing me as I meander through all th corners.

I am medium, walking on a crowded street, looking for something I didn't know, just pushing through th crowd, and finally found it, my brother and father, by this shop, looking at a single man in blue shirt, big, black and bald, yet somehow familiar. My dad's excited, saying 'its him! its him!' He turns, and he smiles, his eyes a glint that is so familiar it immediately connects. A sigh of relief and we just watch as he disappears into th crowd, his size an illusion in this fog of life. My wallet slips out and a single coin rolls out awkwardly on th floor, suddenly an empty circle, I pick it up.

I am large, in a crowded mosque, taking off my shoes and taking ablution when I suddenly realized I'm just wearing shorts. Weird, I clearly remembered wearing long pants, and I start to search for it, but is unable to find it. I panic and call out to my friends. Suddenly, we're in taxi and I'm wearing long pants, there is a lady, a mother of one of my friends, th taxi driver makes a turn and we wonder where we're going. He points out this mosque, not th one we're from and we just accept it. Th mosque reverberates a strange vibe, I knew theres something wrong, I recognize the mosque, and asks my friend if I'm right, I am. Its a strange mosque, but we had to attend prayers which was starting soon, and we just went ahead. The taxi driver parks th taxi in front of an alley, with an archway which was strangely ancient with mold and signs of erosion, and under a large shadow which is from an unknown source.

Then I woke up. Tiring.
Seemingly a random dream, but these kinda long and vivid dreams usually aren't. Somewhere in that mess, is a message for me, for something I've done.

Sometimes, the lips do not speak what the mind intends to convey, what more our actions, which are open to more interpretation and along the way, may be distorted and perceived in a different light that the true intentions are completely lost? Yet, how else can we communicate with others? I've always tried to convey my thoughts as clearly as possible, with words and actions, from intonation to gestures, but as always, and inevitably, things don't go as planned. People misinterpret and get upset or hurt. Truly, it is never my intention to hurt, maybe to joke around and tease, but never hurt. I would know as I am, as reluctantly as I am to admit, somewhat sensitive to the words of others, even those whom I am close to and thus know their manners and character. I realized that I've become a quieter person these days, in hopes that the silence will discipline my lips and really think before I speak, as in th past, I am very sure that my words have often been said with half a thought and had hurt many others and I am truly sorry for that. Although I'm trying to speak less, its rather obvious that I still have lots to say, and I understand when people don't understand what I say, cause I agree, I tend to murmur and slur my speech, oh well. Words are really such a blunt tool of communication, especially verbal speech. It ticks me when people don't get what I say, not in the sense that my words are slurred or anything, but rather they don't get what  I'm trying to convey or mean to say, even when I structure my sentence as clearly as possible and speak coherently. Don't mind me, I'm just rambling, its how I settle my thoughts apart from drawing seemingly random things.

I have set up a high mental barrier to shield my emotions, from past experiences, I've learnt that giving my heart to another is a hurtful experience especially if the people given such a thing are not honourable in their words or true at heart. I pride myself in being able to read the expressions and words of people to somehow see through them, however, love does weird things to you. I am a person who truly respects honesty and although time and again, others has hurt me through facades and deceit, I am still willing to give you a chance to bear my heart which I readily give, however, the question lies in whether you accept it in full honesty. It is hard for me to admit this but, as inevitable as it, the past does indeed affect me and I am afraid that it will haunt me once more. Like an insecure boy, all I seek is confirmation and promise, but although it sounds simple, I know its a difficult demand to fulfill. I am a person who does things out of sincerity and it is with sincerity that I give away my heart, have no fear, I will guard yours as it were mine, but please do the same for me.

imagine a clock, the gears turning and meeting each teeth of another gear in a smooth orchestrated motion, fluid and elegant, yeah, mind used to be like that, but now, as I observe it, its getting rusty, with loud, dragging noises as they creak about their axles. Our minds like a muscle, it needs constant use to remain at its optimum level, leave it unused for long times and it will be like losing your memory, everything's just about out of reach or takes a lot longer to process. Damn, if this is gonna continue, i'm gonna lose a lot of IQ points when I go NS. Haii...

On another note, WHOOOOO, can't wait for my enlistment date! okay, hold on a minute, i'm not really THAT excited, but yknow, still is? cause its a new chapter of my life, with new people, a completely new experience, and obviously one that would greatly mature me, hopefully, HAHA! Its like th feeling you get while you're waiting in line for your turn to climb during a competition yknow, th lukewarm feeling, accompanied by the jittery nerves and excitement, yeah, that. and of course, ze money. looking forward to some sort of financial independence yea, hate asking my parents for money to go out or buy stuff, with a small albeit stable income, can lay off th burden abit yea, so its all good...