Blank.

sin·cere  

/sinˈsi(ə)r/

Adjective Free from pretense or deceit; proceeding from genuine feelings. (of a person) Saying what they genuinely feel or believe; not dishonest or hypocritical.

Sincerity is the value that is most difficult to acquire. 

It eludes the hearts of Men like a bird flitting through the branches, and even if it is present, without proper care, it is quick to evaporate, much like a drop of dew in early morning. Hard to get, harder to keep.

Alas, for all that it is worth, it is the Key. It is the 1% that is needed for it to be 100%.

And best of all, it is one of the deepest secret that we have within ourselves. One we cannot describe or prove to others, it merely is and no other should be the judge of that.

My young ears have been fortunate to have heard the words spoken by sages and I recall one saying that the purest form of Sincerity is to expect Nothing At All In Return. Now that I look back, I realize that if that is the purest level, surely there will be lower forms of it to exist within our hearts and in our actions. I worry greatly, and take great care when it comes to Sincerity. Out of the many values that Islam teaches, I value Sincerity most highly. What is a deed done if it is not sincere? The very thought of a deed's accountability affects the sincerity of the deed itself. 

Sincerity is tightly linked to Ni'at. 

As such, both form a portion of the core of our actions. Such a fundamental aspect, one that I am very conscious of. I strive for it, silence is a great companion and facilitator. My words may corrupt my Sincerity and so, silence is best. It is only for Him to know.

One thing leads to another, Sincerity leads to examination of Ni'at which leads to examination of Self which leads  to so many other things that my mind in this state is unable to completely view. Just too many.

Alas, Masy'Allah I am sobered by how beautiful Islam is.

It is a 

Full Circle

Behaviour

A rule of thumb : Do not look negatively at people, or even things for that matter.

I was taught to not judge people, for their appearance, their words, their actions, their behaviour. It was a difficult lesson, one that took many years to bear fruit. At times, we jump to conclusions, making conjectures regarding others based on the empirical evidence we gather from our interactions with them. This is natural. And as my father had once said, Natural does not mean its right. On the contrary, sometimes what we are naturally inclined to do are the complete opposite of right. Alas, this is a different story and I have digressed. When we have a pre-conceived idea of people based on our judgements, we tend to overlook on other aspects that might hint otherwise, or likewise. We have, concluded.

--------------------------------------------

I was taught to just accept things as they are, in any situation, be it bad or good, always to smile and take it as it is. Silence that urge to snap back, or make a judgement. It was difficult. I tried and I tried, to look at things square in the eye, and not let my heart fidget. I would say I was privileged to have been taught such a lesson, it teaches me to tolerate and be patient with things. Even now, at this prime age, where the confidence of youth and knowledge are ripe, it is ever more difficult. But alas, hardships bear the greatest lessons. Even now, I have a greater appreciation and understanding of this lesson taught many years back, it is simply to relent to God and accept fate as decreed. Oh the layers, how they peel as the years go by.

Despite this, it would be foolish to completely ignore the fact that behaviour is undeniably closely linked to what lies underneath, the Heart and the Mind. Behaviour is an expression of self, and how can one express that which is not true? Behaviour gives an indication of the health of the inner-being. 

Indication. Not a definition.

This is where the problem lie. What is self? We, including myself, only have a fraction of understanding of who we truly are, our self. How then can we say that we are expressing our self when we barely know it? Alas we arrive the fundamental obstacle with religion, knowing our self. A truly difficult lesson. Sages of past have said that in order to see one's self, one requires a mirror. Ancient phrases speak of a needed journey to discover one's inner-self, through experiential reflection. In both, we can see that this quest - to discover one's self; inevitably requires the aid of another, an instrument, a Teacher.

I am asleep.

It seems to me, that I have an almost insatiable hunger for knowledge.
I have never seemed to mind learning something new, just a matter of preference.
But eventually, what is knowledge without application?
It would be like a tree with its fruits so ripe, but never to be picked.
I have been told that there isn't a need to memorize many things,
but as it goes with whomever that said that, it is all a matter of interpretation.

'Its the questions we can't answer that teach us most. They teach us how to think. If you give a man an answer, all he gains is a little fact. But give him a question and he'll look for his own answers.'

There are many questions, and I am still looking.

deep in th stillness of night,
as people lay asleep in their beds,
an hour void of th din of life,
small thoughts swirl all around.

there is something to learn,
a lesson is always there, somewhere.
no thing is ever point-less,
it merely takes some time and effort,
before it can be found.

questions lead to further questioning,
why, what, how, who, when, all the same,
they propel th mind to seek answers,
answers that can only be sought after.

intellectual pursuit and enlightenment,
one precedes th other, dawn to dusk,
for betterment of mind and soul,
th much needed nourishment of th day.

think, for it leads to questions,
question, for it leads to answer,
answers, understand and accept them,
then, and only then, will you ever learn.

Thought.

Validation.

Approval.

Acceptance.

Encouragement.

Empowerment.

Renewal.

Vigour.

Determination.

Motivation.

At times,

We are faced with;

seemingly overwhelming odds, irresistible temptations, stubborn distractions and immovable laziness.

Often,

We tend to;

give up too quickly, give in without a fight, lose our focus and procrastinate for too long.

in·er·tia  

/iˈnərSHə/

Noun A tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged: "bureaucratic inertia". A property of matter by which it continues in its existing state of rest or uniform motion in a straight line, unless that state is...

Sometimes,

All we need is;

A little Push.

Thank you.

Sometimes we search and search for something, something we do not even know, just a desire to acquire something. Ephemeral or ever-lasting, it does not matter. We dedicate hours, days, lives in search of it, but we never find it. Some things are not meant to be searched, they are not found.

A tiny thought went through my mind yesterday. In our youth, we have the time and energy to pursue life, but we lack the time to. In our middle age, we have the money and the energy, but not the time. And lastly, when we are old, we have the money, the time, but sadly, not the energy. We are always lacking something in the pursuit of life. An asymptote in the graph that is Life. We can only approach it to such a degree, so close, but still, it will never be. We will never get it, chasing shadows. That was how my cousin put it. Life is like our own shadow, no matter how fast we run, no matter how we twist and turn, it always be beyond our grasp. Instead, we should turn towards the Light, pursue the Light instead. No one said it was not possible, but often we get distracted by the little things. See, once we chase the light, our shadow will follow suit. As such, so will life pursue us, as a distraction, a temptation, a hindrance, an obstacle, in our pursuit of enlightenment.
Such are the trials of this life on Earth. The simpler they are, the more deceivingly dangerous they are. You want that ice cream? Oh, but if you do, there won't be time for Asar. You want to take a walk? Zuhur is ending soon. Out with friends? We have just entered Maghrib.

I think I am very very grateful to have friends who are non-muslims but yet still understand when I tell them I have to do something, for Islam. They would nod, smile and encourage me to carry on. Alhamdulillah. There are the type of people whose minds God have blessed to be open, to be receptive towards Islam. Alhamdulillah. They will ask and I will answer, and if I am unable to, it will compel me to find out. Alas, how can ignorance be granted? As I walked to the masjid as azan Maghrib was recited loud over the microphone, echoing around the vicinity, I looked within myself, and asked, 'how can anyone ignore the call to God, when it is so wonderful and beautiful?' I teared. Alhamdulillah.

We live in a world where Islam has been distorted, repressed, suppressed and ignored. Though we may simply say it is the fault of the non-believers, I stand to say that is also our fault, the believers, for standing tall and firm when our religion is compromised. Secular? Modern? I am not too sure that such terms exist, that religion is something that can be compromised. It all boils down to a simple desire of adherence, or ignorance. Such is the nature of temptation in our current age, and I fear that it is a temptation that will seduce a great many of us.

Alas, the hour is late, I have missed the Hour. Till then.

I need a teacher.

Often, I catch myself asking many questions, regarding the many things around me. Behaviour, actions, mechanisms, structures, systems and nature itself. Most of the questions usually revolve around a simple question, 'why?'. 

I was once interviewed by a professor a few years back, and he asked me, 'what is the value you value most?'. After some thought, I answered 'Understanding.' My reasoning was because once we have an understanding regarding something, it would allow us to have a clearer picture to the reasons for such things. My logic was simple, if we understand the reason behind something, we can rationalize OUR actions or thinking towards it, be it to consider it right or wrong, and such implications can extend towards our tolerance of such thing, our preference of such thing, and even our desire for such things. 

Take for example, religion. People follow the practices they see, a matter of mimicking an observation in their environment, from friends and family. It would be grossly shameful for me to even think whether or not this is not ideal, for alas who am I to judge. But back to the matter, if we understand the practices and lessons and values of a religion, and it is undeniably correct, would any sane person reject it? There is a verse that I cannot recall entirely, but of which the gist states that blessings are to be given to the learned. Why? Upon the journey of knowledge, we will eventually be shone the truth of things, and when one partakes in such a journey, it is not only to discover knowledge, but just as importantly, it is also to discover oneself. Upon seeing the truth of things, will one not be enlightened? And thus, blessed are they of the learned for they will definitely have discovered God. It is becoming ever more difficult to find avenues where such questions regarding religion can be quenched. Difficult, yes, but infinitely rewarding I trust. Alas, I am far from understanding of my religion, I am but a mere sapling, seeking the Light to nourish my existence. It gives me the shivers (Literally, it just did) when I think of how my time is spent, not on this journey of discovery but on other things, and I fear for my very existence. MasyAllah. 

I am displeased with myself, but I want and will make amendments.

The silent hour of night holds me steady.

I am not sure if it is the amplified sound of each and every key that I type, or the echoing silence in the atmosphere, but whichever it is, it rings in my head, ominous and tiring, all mine.

While many sleep, they say this is the best time to be awake. Like traffic during the day, it is so hard to go about. But once night comes by, swings by and all sway to its call, alas, it is empty once more.

The irony, no thoughts swirl by behind my eyes, no burden hefting its weight, no worry pressing for attention, no problem seeking a solution, it is a blissful emptiness that resides within.

Within that emptiness, lies a secret held within myself. No words are necessary for this communing, merely an awareness and an intention. Like the wind whispering inaudible tales.

No concept of time bind me to reality, floating by in a dreamlike state, going by as I please, doing as I please, actions with no consequence to others but myself, on a whim, simply because.

I come and I go as I please, mercurial.

In the quiet of the night, when things become deafeningly silent, and your mind's thundering with thoughts that prevent you from sleeping, I want you to remember that my voice is only eight digits away.

In the stillness of your bed, where all is static and unmoving, and you feel that you're the only one there, all alone wrapped in your blanket, I want you to remember that I am always with you, by your side.

In the non-stop whirring of your thoughts, from A to Z they whiz by, when you feel that they are becoming overwhelming and seem to exert their effects onto you, I want you to remember that I am always here, a listening ear.

I strive to be the best for you,

but my failures seem to be more significant.

My heart in my throat,

I look back and feel disappointed in myself.

Anger gels with sadness,

but the emotions in you take precedence.

I want to take care of you,

and I really do, I mean what I say.

All I can ask and hope for,

is that you will give me another chance.

...... ... .. . .. . . .. .... .. .. ... .. .. ... ... .. .... ... .. . ... ... .. .... .. . ..

I always tell you that I have voices in my head that express their disappointment or anger at me when I have done something wrong, my story being me doing Math in secondary school. I take it as a good sign that as I made my long walk back home, past the blocks and up the bridge, my inner voice was blasting me non-stop.

I have been selfish, as I said, always making you feel guilty for wanting something which I don't, I regret that. I have been tactless, for not seeing how my words were affecting you, how your eyes dip down when I talk.

I say this with a very heavy heart, and I mean every word that I say, I am sorry, I seek your forgiveness and I hope that you can give me one more chance to redeem my words. My inner voice only comes out when it senses that I am doing something wrong when I should be doing it right. You. I want to make you right, and that is why my inner voice has spoken, cos I have not been doing so, and right now, I really want to. Please.

... . .. .. . ... . .. . . .. . . . . .. .. . . .... ... ... ... . . ... . ... .... ... ... .. ..

A tree.

All things begin with a seed.

Be it animal or plant, we all have similar beginnings.

But what differs us all is how we grow, and change with time.

Like rivers, we meander through time, weaving through obstacles here and there.

It shapes us, makes us who we are, but really, does our environment influence our change?

Looking back, change has been a passive, it is acted upon, something we do actively.

Men, we are volatile, like a river, we can either bend to the world, or we go headstrong.

I am but a mere sapling, still young and naive, with many years to go ahead of me (Hopefully!)

But even now, when I look around, I see the people around me succumbing to the dark world

A melancholic wind whispers its sad tune to me, but it motivates me to remain as I am.

Some lessons in life can be learnt from just observing that which God has made, untouched.

Look at the simple tree, it is everywhere.

A tree begins with a seed.

Just as all things do.

That seed will receive

like all, the necessary.

However, interestingly,

all trees, no matter what

environment or nutrition,

will always grow towards

the light that enlightens it.

It can be battered by the

world, by others and what not,

but it remains constant and grows

towards that which it deems most vital.

The light that enlightens and gives growth.

They say as we grow up, we change, we change.

Lets look at the fundamentals, our character and values.

They say as we mature, we understand better and change.

However, is that really ideal? The tree grows the same type of leaves,

ever since day one, till the day it dies, it has the same trunk and type of leaves.

The years simply allow it to be stronger, healthier, better, but nonetheless, still the same.

But alas, the tree is made perfect for its being a tree, and thus, it has no need to change, but merely to adapt.

I guess, the issue at hand is to ensure that our very fundamentals are correct before we make a change within

I sincerely hope that my fundamentals and values have been correct, cause some say that I have not changed

I pray that it is, for if it so, I know now that all Time can do for me is to make me into a better person in time.

Insyallah.

and as trees go, even in shadow, they move towards the light,

I hope that we move to the light too, I will do my best to do so

1 + 1 = 2
2 + 2 = 4

Simple.

ax^2 + bx + c = 0
where (b^2 - 4ac)^1/2 > 0
hence x = (-b +/- (b^2 - 4ac)^1/2)/2a

Still simple enough.

Emotional turmoil
'No, its just unfair for you then'
Empty words and untrue assumptions

This is where shit gets messy.

As hot tears flow out, a coolness settles over the heart, like earth deprived of water, it hardens and cracks.

We absorb what we choose to hear, read and see. Logical deduction follows, and the outcome, our understanding of the matter, is essentially the product of our own choices. But the heart doesn't abide by the same process. It feels what it feels, it doesn't have to have a reason to, it just does. We naturally associate our emotions with our thoughts, justifying how we are feeling with reasons. It is an ethereal invisible and almost indiscernible link, but sometimes, there is a difference. We feel what we feel, and sometimes, there are no reasons for it, we need no reasons for it.

and I have been told, no matter what the clash is between our mind and our heart, always listen to the heart. I pride myself to be a man of logic, and ironically, I adhere to that saying strongly. Irony carries with it a a
negative connotation, but this is far from negative. We don't understand why, but I know it to be otherwise. It being spoken by a sage may be why.

we all have secrets,

like the corners of a room, inevitably cast in shadow.

some, we share among the closest, others we leave open, a question away.

and a few that we keep behind lock and key, thrown deep into the sea.

late at night, 

our thoughts travel far and wide, and wriggle deep down even.

tight lipped, brows furrowed and eyes either closed or open, distant.

they unravel for us to see what is reflected in the heart.

the cup is full,

filled to the brim with anger, fear and anxiety.

it weighs heavily on the mind, we enter a ponderous sleep.

there, our mind seeks to make sense of all and the result?

Dreams.

I lay awake, thinking of you thinking.
Its a troubling thing to think of,
But, an essential one, one in dire thought.
Thinking allows us to process, to weigh our decisions, rationallity and irrationality.
However, did God not put the human soul prior to letting the mind work?
Sometimes, no, often, I wonder. How would we be if we let our hearts rule our lives, it will be simpler, imperfect, but definitely sincere.
Our heart is from Him, and He knows best, for indeed, if we remember Him, He will remember us, and all shall be arranged.
An eternal internal war is being waged, between the heart and the mind, and I know for a fact, that no matter what, the heart must be the victor. My heart goes out to you oh reader, listen to my words and that it may bring you peace of mind and of heart :)

Today I remembered th reason to why I used to not show emotion.

a concrete face, a stone heart, an icy gaze,
They were my arms when facing moments when emotional breakdown would spell disaster. A quick, unfeeling and logical mind. Today I remembered why I had actually put it effort to sharpen the ability to remove myself from emotional attachment. Self control, patience and power. Today, I witnessed the weakness of emotional expression;

the seething teeth, the shivering arms, the stuttering and excessively loud tone. The raging fury that clouds your logic and sense, your awareness to reason and error. Silence, a nod here and there, the cool gaze that stares at your blood shot eyes. Oh what an illusion.

Respect, empathy and peace.

I don't understand what my body goes through, my vision sharpens, I see every detail, my peripherals extend, your tone, the environment, your actions, everything seems clearer. You grow distant, the room seems larger and you move further away. My body tenses ever so slightly, my muscles swollen with blood and fury. My lips are pursed, my eyes always looking straight into yours. Slow and deep breaths, my voice deepens when I speak, slow and calm. My mind not simply focused on the current scenario, playing multiple possible scenarios at once, my answers, curt, logical and unfeeling, quiet in my mind. You say I assume, yes you are correct. Let me finish. But, no. Its not worth it, yes, I am wrong and yes I show a lack of responsibility. Yes you are right. But your assumptions to why, I'm sorry to say, you're wrong. I like my job, I care for my men, for you however, not so much.

Simple as that.

'Is it a mistake if you don't regret it?'

My eyes are warm, its a sign that they are tired.
My body aches, its a sign that its are tired.
My head hurts, its a sign that its tired.

visible. What about the invisible?

we often find ourselves in situations where we are unable to voice our opinions, emotions and retorts. we hold them back, keep them in, often with the comfort that its not worth it. Sure, you can do that, but eventually, surely, one day, you will feel like letting it all go, just one unfortunate crack and its all out, gushing out with all the fury of pent up emotions. release. we feel bad, but we feel good. deep down, we know that until that has happened, there will always be something within us that swirls and makes a nest in our mind, occupying our thoughts and our heart. sometimes, what we really need is just release. however, the reluctance, the condition that allows for this is one that we rarely come by. as humans do, we seek comfort in others, they become our avenues of release, our emotional jars where the hurt, pain, anger, shame, fear and hope simply go to. where do they come from, these pillars of support?

Thank you.

In life, we meet many people, some, like the trees that we pass by day to day, providing shade when we are there, and are just, passing by. then, there are those that are like the comfortable feel of something familiar. they are the treasure of human relations, the people (not necessarily person) that is there for you, there to hear you out, there to tell you off, there to need you, there to be merry, there to be sad, the people that are always there. it takes time, time strains all things, and as it goes, when something recovers from strain, it becomes stronger. a simple but reliable test, time.

Death.

I see you in every waking hour, the sun that lightens the world, the evening wind that chills my spine. you are a bittersweet companion that accompanies me in all my journey. I have yet to know you as well, and as such, i am still reluctant to embrace you. For now, we shall remain as acquaintances and you shall be there to remind me of that which i must always remember.

Myself.

we hear so many voices in our life, telling us to do this and that,
sometimes, we must silent them and listen closely to only one,
the voice of our heart always ring true but is often ignored.
know yourself, know your heart, and it will always speak to you.

I dream big.
The bigger they are, the higher the risks, the harder the obstacles, the longer it takes.
But it all boils down to the niat, the intention behind it.
If its good, the Universe will ensure that you will be tested before it can be achieved.
Why? Because only if you persevere and fight for your dreams do you deserve it.
The secret to achieving success is simple, effort and doa, prayers.
With that, I pray to You, God, give me that which I desire,
and should you not, give me the strength to accept that which you have decided for me,
I relent, for indeed, you are the All-Knowing, All-Understanding.

the slow rise of the edges of your mouth,
the world coming to a stop and time slows down,
the quiet silence that envelopes.

the quivering stillness of shut lips,
the world reverberating the echo in your thoughts,
the bitter quiet that haunts.

a smile adorns the face of the pained,
a silent breath follows that smile after,
a slow blink with glitters and shadow,
a shadow seen in the presence of light.

In the purest form of sincerity, that which is given, is given freely, with no demand or request for payment or reward. That, is sincerity. No reason is needed, reason implies thought, and thought is a request of the mind to justify the actions of the heart, and that, diminishes sincerity. We pay no heed and smile in the dark, in our heart. No announcement, exclamation or boast. A simple contentment, and that is all. Simple? I think not.

we close our eyes and drift to sleep, our mind, it wanders to thoughts left behind.
what we dream, we feel and we see, emotions, sensations, and chemical reactions.
we don't choose what we dream, guided by unseen forces, told by unheard voices.
what is it that we dream of, seemingly random, but we know deep down it isn't.
we see objects, places, people. and it all seems so real, this indoor cinema we are.

I am a dreamer. my mind is hardly ever silent, ever active, especially at night.
they say our mind is most active when we are asleep, i don't doubt that.
They come and go, sometimes one, sometimes many, just waltzing through my mind.
pieces of my reality here and there, with a pinch of desire here and there.
I need to dream, it calms the swirl of thoughts that reside, and lets the heart take over.
maybe that's why when you try to understand your dreams with thought, it doesn't work.
Yet you know inside, inside, something clicked and there it is, understanding.

I aspire to be a Man of Science, of hypothesis, theories and Logic.
I aspire to be a Man of Religion, of faith, submission and God.

I realize this dichotomy can only be fully realized if I hurl myself fully into both.
A wise man once told me, scientists today are on the right track, they just tend to stop midway.
I hope to God that I will one day be a scientist, and a good one at that.
For my hope in today's world is slowly dwindling away and it must be renewed.
And I know, somehow deep down, I will be, and hopefully, "All iz well."

I live in the present and enjoy the present, I don't think,
Its a fault of mine, its what I do.
It makes me smile, I hope it does you too.

Equilibrium, is it so hard to achieve?
sometimes, we want more of something, but that doesn't mean that its wrong does it?
wanting more is fine. what matters is how much more. this is where there arises some concerns.
you see, greed, this scumbag part of humans to always want more, the temptation, to desire for more than necessary, to never be contented with what we have, is a real shit when it comes to ruining the human spirit.
it drives us, motivates us, but almost inevitably, we will surpass the line which says 'stop here' and shit goes down, in a spiral. I don't get it. its a disease right there, this attachment we have with worldly possessions. it distorts our sense of appreciation and other crap. everytime i think of how the world functions on greed, how the guy with the thicker wallet tends to get what he wants, it sickens me. it repels me. shit i don't want more money, but sadly, its a world where money truly is the oil that hinges the gears of society, and even nations. fuck that shit.

no. what we need is equilibrium.

I believe I am a strange young man. Sometimes, I feel young, thoughtless and reckless, out to have fun. Others, I feel old, almost ancient, clear headed and not at all bogged down by this miniature Life. However, there are those times where I am suddenly in a swirl, neither old nor young, phasing in and out, somewhere in between. I am pretty sure if anyone can read my mind, they would be rather... confused. The reason may be because I have stopped, a while ago, to think. A natural process, but no, this does not mean that I do not think, I merely don't allow this shallow and limited logical process to reign supreme over me. Instead, I listen to the whispering Heart. My father once questioned, one of concern, What do we do if there is a conflict between the two? The answer was simple. There will always be a conflict, but no matter what, always listen to the latter. Simple, yet deceivingly difficult. At times, I feel that I am a lie. A contradiction. But that is the very nature of this path, it sends shivers of fear down my spine, yet gives me the simplest and most sincere of happiness. Possibly the hardest thing that is tied to the simplest of things is to face yourself, to know every facet of your being, your character, your beliefs and your thoughts. This seems to be the hardest thing to do in this era. Now, people want to be someone else, live another life. In this age of wanton desire and greed, we lose ourselves. That is where we all go wrong. Every day I am learning about myself. My thoughts feed this journey to disobey them, a paradox. In the end, we all submit to the grander scheme of things, for what do we know, we know nothing. That is where my thought ends, when it realizes its non-existence.

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The lights go dark and I'm left all alone,

here in the dark, my thoughts they roam.

Memories, emotions, they seem to be one,

as I mingle in between and among them.

No thought comes to mind, yet, 

the mind goes to all that's thought.

We see ourselves, deaf and blind,

no, not through the sights and sounds.

We see ourselves, naked and bare,

for one can never lie to The One out there.

A shiver runs down my spine and everything stops,

alas, it is time for me to dream.