Levels

Man has the capacity to attain the stature that is GREATER than that of the angels, yet also the capacity to attain the stature that is LOWER than that of the animals. What differentiates between the two is no magical division borne out of luck and circumstance, it is simply a matter of choice and as ironic as it sounds, desire.

What differentiates us from the angels and the animals is that we were given the gift of Intelligence, for a lack of a better word. Intelligence, or Aqal. What we do with it, this gift of ours, is what defines us.

Would we be like the animal that simply sates his animalistic desires simply out of want, for food, drink and the carnal desires?

Or have we given Intelligence that we may be more aware of a higher need, a calling higher than what nature simply dictates?

It is said, the biggest and most important battle is not fought out there, but rather in here. The action of extinguishing that internal desire is higher in attribute than the war waged on the battlefield.

114:6, protect me from the jinn and mankind.

Shivers

Reading up on some of my previous posts, and I stumbled upon this:

"Hello,

I've been waiting for so long, for you, just waiting oh-so-patiently for your arrival. 
In the dark, and in the light, in the rain, and in the sun. 
From the day you were born, for every breathe you take, I stand so silently, watching you as you age. 
Every tear your cried, every laughter, I have been there for you, your faithful companion. 
Sometimes, you do remember me, through reminders all around. 
The fear in your eyes, why is it there? Are you so attached to this place that you fear my arrival? 
Be reminded my young friend, this is merely a temporary abode. 
I will come for you, swiftly,  painfully or otherwise, you decide.
For no matter what, it is the Inevitable. 

Till we meet my friend, farewell and may we meet embracing, 

peace be upon You"

This was written years back.

______________________________________

Today, I realized why I am in love with knowledge. It is an exquisite feeling to know that in this Universe, there is a Grand Design, and here you are, bearing witness to the ubiquity of :

His design, His rules, His laws, His supremacy and His knowledge.

I was truly ecstatic. It shook me to my core and gave me goosebumps.

MasyAllah.

Rabbi dzidni Ilma war zuqni Fahma.

"O Allah, grant me Knowledge and Understanding"

Travel

Make every journey a journey within. 

If you travel within, you'll travel the whole wide world and beyond

40 Rules of Love

Sometimes, in the complete absence of any presence,

a detachment of the self happens and we are lifted away from here.

In the state of transcendence, our thoughts depart from the world,

and wander around in the spaces

that lie in between.

A surreal sense of clarity and heightened awareness usually follows,

followed by a mellowing and sobering hyper-sensitivity.

There are no smooth trails, every     bump          seemingly                    mountainous,

acute to the vast difference, we fall deeply... 
                                                                  
                                                                  down.

Only in the deepest of darkness, in the recesses of desperation,

can the twilight shine of the brightest Light be seen.

The darkness is shed away when the Light is shed (upon),

patiently we await, for the Light is beyond pursuit, it enlightens at will.

--

For truly the Light is beyond our grasp.

___________________________

Before you know it, your legs have brought you forth, and you re-emerge at your destination.

As always, the world is still spinning and a hundred centimetres still make a metre.

Yet, we feel that we have travelled across the distance and beyond.

Plants.

The mirror upheld,
The teller of truths without voice and mouth.
The cracked realities that hide behind smooth façades.

No lie is greater,
Than the lie we tell ourselves.
Than the one that nags using our very own voice.

Burdens born weighing heavily,
Testing our foundations and our roots,
Our morals, our values, the way we live and lived.

The speech of the words,
The portents of truth that lie within,
Wrapped in humour, carelessly or unspoken.

When the mind speaks,
Its voice booming, logic overflowing.
Thoughts intermingle in a swirl of choices and considerations.

In the solitude we exist,
In places where no one reside, we are true.
In places only we know, we become who we are.

Our feet keeps on trudging,
Moving places, from here to there, then and now.
But little do we know, our Self has already stood still, concrete.

A day, we reconvene,
Like a river meeting the sea,
All shall fall into place, in a place, to a place.

Blank

Nature is almost entirely against the existence of a vacuum.

Whenever a vacuum forms, it will be filled up, almost spontaneously.

A vacuum is hardly limited to the physical world, it is liquid in form.

It will always be filled up, some way or another.

But, what fills it up?

That is the vexing issue of vacuums.

There is so much in the world that there is too much to consider.

Resilience

The waves come lapping at first,
young, weak and misleading.
They show not the tempest that brews,
the ferocity of the waves as they come crashing.

The winds whisper through a breeze,
soothing, gentle and sly.
Their voices only an echo of their howls,
with hurricane strength they devastate.

Do not be fooled by the calm, for often, it bellies the potential for a storm.

Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.

Blind

University has finally began and the doors to knowledge are wider than before.

Studying what is important and studying what is right may not necessarily be the same thing,
so how then can I assure that I find a balance of both?

We pursue knowledge doggedly, thinking that it is an inanimate object that gets nearer the more we try.

Yet, we see that knowledge does not always come to those to seek it, and sometimes, those who do not seek it as tirelessly, seem to receive it so much faster, with lesser effort.

Knowledge, I feel, is like a dance.

It is elusive, and must be teased to participate.
It can be coaxed only with proper intentions and the correct procedures.
It can, be forced, yet not so beautifully.
It can, come with much hesitation even despite.

What I have learnt about knowledge, is that it does not necessarily come to those who seek it, but those who do not seek it all will never find it. Knowledge is a gift that is presented to the ready, the willing, and the good. As such, we must request for it.

Rabbi dzidni Ilma warzuqni Fahma

Oh Allah! Please increase me in Knowledge and grant me Understanding

For I am nothing without what You give me.

Depth

In an environment one can easily overlook and pass as people just catching up, chatting about empty talk, cigarettes in hand, conversations peppered with laughter and pauses, what a deceiving front that was put up.

Sitting there, listening to them speak, using aliases for people who do not like to be named in conversations, replacing significant titles with insignificant but familiar colloquial terms, it is really amazing how it all happens.

Alas as the stories unfold and the light of understanding starts to come to life, I can't help but feel that there is really so so much more to Life and feel  humbled that I am really still a young boy learning to live in the world

To the years of learning I hope to glean, may they come in time, with me ready.

Time

History is a recollection of the past, a retelling of the story of people long gone, their achievements, their faults and the consequence of action during a certain era with a certain circumstance. They carry with them lessons for the future, a guide for humanity to take advice and learn from.

Yet, time and time again, History shows that humanity is either incapable or incorrigible to grasp the lessons of the past.

We keep committing the same mistake.

The path has been shown, a path treaded by many civilizations, successful civilizations, only to be abandoned in the pursuit of the temporal world; the wealth, the pride and the carnal desires. They forget that for every action, there is a reaction. For every excess, every transgression, lest there be remembrance and regret, there will be consequence.

Our world today is now indulgent in the excess of every kind! We transgress boundaries of every kind! We are people who have forgotten.

There is no need to mention any specific religion and the dogmas that are prescribed along with them, it is clear to anyone that the world is plunged in wrongful doings.

The world has forgotten but I pray that I do not.

To the people neck-deep in the corrupting luxuries of this world, to the people reaping the bountiful benefits of wrongful doing, to the people whose eyes are blinded by the dazzle of money, pride, power and sex, what does it matter to them? They are living the dream. A dream indeed.

Whenever comes a Reminder of the truth of the nature of things, these people, their eyes bulge in disbelief, their tempers fan ablaze, their mouths foam with accusations and slander.

"WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU TO TELL US SUCH AND SUCH!? YOU ARE BUT A MAN, A MORTAL!"

"If what you speak is true, show us a sign."

But History tell us that their hearts are hard like stone, blind to the truth of the nature of things and thus, will brush it away.

Alas, we are but a reminder...

Weight

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

In the name of the Most Generous, Most Knowledgeable, Who Sees and Hears all.

What differentiates Man from beast, is Aql, or loosely translated as Intellect; the gift and ability to process, reflect, ponder, store, wonder and more. Only with this Intellect can we have the ability to improve our being through the attainment of Enlightenment and Knowledge. 

Change cannot occur without action, and action cannot occur without intent, and intent cannot occur with desire. How, how can we as human beings look upon an open door, and choose to close it? I hope this will never happen to me. The path has been illuminated and made clear, the signs have shown the way and the destination, the door has been open, and all I have to do is to tell my limbs, my mind, my heart and my spirit, to walk through that door and to continue on the path.

The responsibility that comes with Enlightenment and Knowledge is to act upon that opportunity given and to change one's self. It is also to act upon what you now know and to apply it into your life. There is no benefit, no fruition if the seed is present, but it is not planted in the soil, nor if it is not taken care of. I hope that I will change and that the seed will bear fruit for verily I know it will. 

Walk through to that door, Ahmed Khalil Khan, walk through that door.

Ameen.

The wisdom of words spoken in hushed tones, behind closed doors, for some that is not for most.

I'd swim the ocean for You.

there is always a reason, a plan behind it all, unseen and unknown, we swim in an ocean with no horizon in sight, our vision clouded by fear, for we see not the shore that lies ahead, what limited vision we have, yet we remember not, overcome in our limitations, we forget, we forget to breathe, our limbs, they can only do so much, they tire, we tire and soon, all we can do is keep awake, and our body fails and we drift, carried off by the current, tides with purpose, unseen and unknown to us, what is this current, where does it come from, where does it lead, we care not, all we know we have drifted off and yet, we are moving still, we do not sink, we float as it is in our body to float, what made us, knows we will tire and we will face difficulty, face fear, face hopelessness, but we do not remember but still it does not fail us.


stop. Stop trying to swim in the ocean so vast, you have no power, you are so human.

stop. Stop and let it be, let it go.

stop. And the shore will appear, for all waves end up lapping against a shore, and that is the promise.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

The Seven Oft-Repeated Verses.

I only had the urge to truly understand it recently. It being repeated so many times in a day, it seemed mind-boggling for me to not understand the meaning behind, and why did it take so long? I do not know. I only knew that I must know and embrace its meaning, soon, quickly and fully.

The first tier of understanding is always to take what is read or heard literally. This gives us the basic understand of what the message is, what the context is and the beings involved.

The second tier of understanding is tafsiran, or interpretation. This gives us a deeper understanding in the sense that we are now examining why such words are spoken in certain ways, we try to figure out the subliminal tones involved and the implied effects of the chosen words. It enables us to have to have a better clue behind the reasons why such verses were sent down, their purpose.

The next tier of understanding I believe, is one that cannot be learnt or taught by another person. It is understanding that comes as a gift from Him and this tier of understanding, encompasses the very essence of the verses sent down, no, not the verses, but the very hurufs or alphabets that make up the verses. It gives a dimension to the very utterance of the huruf and its meaning is not verbally understood but is felt by the essence of the body. It is a gift, and as many of His gifts, they are hard to understand.

... . ... .. .. .. . . . . . . .. . .. . . . . . . . ... ... .. ..

Understand, for without understanding; 

the words you speak, 

the actions you do, 

they are incomplete.

Flick of a Switch

There can be no light where there is darkness.
Darkness and disease wrack the Heart, absent.
Light and noble traits beautify the Heart, present.
Actions, words and thoughts leave impressions.
Like water on rock, they carve th way of our Hearts.
Be mindful of them, their strength and direction,
keep them in check and the way is true.
Good traits are not in-born, they are influenced,
and are mimics of environment they inhabit.
Sometimes we are placed in the good, other times, the bad.
But in the end, it is our decision that the Heart follows.
Discipline yourself, physically, mentally, spiritually,
in order to remove the Darkness that tarnishes.
Like dirt, if left unattended, will pile on high.
Do not disregard it or pay it little heed, important.
Take active steps to always purify yourself, habit.
Slowly but surely, wash away the impurities that exist,
cure yourself of the many diseases that riddle your Heart,
then, and only then, CAN Light be made present.

Fear

The cold seeps through the bones, extinguishing warmth that seem to only be an illusion.
The cold seeps through the bones, into the mind and leaves a physical and mental chill.

I look around and all seems normal, yet the odd sensation hangs heavy in the air and the hair at the nape of my neck stands, shivers running up and down my spine. I close my eyes, seeking a sanctuary from this perpetuating fear that is enveloping my being with such abruptness. Instead of the peace and tranquillity, an unsightly image appeared and I forced my eyes open, shocked, the fear multiplied manifold.

Something dropped and my heart skipped a beat, in my fear, I cried out in fear with hopes to banish whatever fragment of my imagination that had materialized. I was stricken with fear.



It was a... chilling experience, to be so overwhelmed with fear. Rarely does it ever happen to me.
And I know deep down, what is the root cause of that fear, and I am fully aware that it is entirely my own doing.

Peace at Heart

Failure is a consequence, an effect of cause. The cause may be clear as day, or shrouded from us, but it is there.

Our human minds wrestle with the possible causes of failure, questioning its credibility and seeking something to justify either the fairness of failure or the unfairness of failure.

Our human emotions are plunged into the pit of despair and turmoil that accompanies failure, bitter and hopeless we feel helpless. We feel what are human emotions tell us.

Our Hearta, what does our Heart say or do when failure knocks by her door? The Heart is simple, it answers, and accepts. The Heart seem to say 'I have failed.' She seeks no recompense or reassurance, the Heart tells us that what happens has happened and happens.

It is our mind and our emotions that seek justification, our mind and emotions that seek answers, our mind and emotions that are thrown into turmoil and sadness and despair.

And so, as the storm subsides and the dust has settled, I look at my Heart and listen to her Peace.

Peace of Mind

It lies in tranquility, the storms of days past gone.
It sways to the Whisper of a wind, a soft blowing breeze.
It rests in a pool of Light, a soft enlightening Illumination.
When the Storms raged and sought to ravage, it clung on.
When the Winds howled with ferocity, it shut it out.
When the Darkness swallowed and blinded, it sought Light.
Its current state comes not by chance, but by Effort.
Effort comes not without direction, but with a Purpose.
Purpose comes not without understanding, but with Knowledge.
Knowledge comes not without invitation, but with Enlightenment.
Enlightenment comes not to those that are unworthy, but only to the Pure.
Alhamdulillah.

A piece of flotsam, floating out at sea. The waves are sometimes gentle, cooed by the gentle breeze, other times, it crashes like thunder, invoked by hurricane winds.

At times, we find ourselves afloat, and we feel alive, well and blessed. At times, we are submerged deep underwater, we feel lost, blinded and full of despair.

We are swayed by the currents and the wind, we go about our existence moulded by our experiences. Salty waters corrode and fresh waters cleanse, our words are lost to the wind and her voiceless whispers. We are carried on the back of creatures and at times, bitten to pieces by creatures too.

Our journey is endless for we see no end. What we see or do not see is not an indication of our reality, for in truth, we will leave the waters, eventually, but we do not see. Alas, we are but pieces of flotsam floating out at sea.

I am perturbed.

There seem to be a distinct line between Science and Religion, a line that seems to distinguish between the Logical and the Mystical, as commonly understood and agreed upon by the majority.

However, that is not what disturbs me.

What disturbs me is when people wrongfully conclude that one is True, and the other is Untrue. This is a huge transgression on their end. They conclude so, without exploring both, and arrive to a premature conclusion. Its as if their minds are completely blocked from even considering the Truth behind the other. Are they that ignorant? I can only hope so, for with ignorance, there is still hope for them. For those who are openly in denial when the truth has been shown to them, I do not know what to say.

We live in an era where Science reigns supreme in the proving and disproving of theories, be it regarding the machinations of the world or the organic system of an organism. Science holds its head high in supremacy, with its numbers, figures, diagrams and graphs. I no way am I saying that such empirical evidence do not point towards the certainty of a hypothesis, I certainly hope so. The problem arises when Science assumes that such empirical evidence are enough to PROVE a hypothesis. As beings of limited knowledge, sometimes, our conclusions are only half-baked and the evidence are merely checkpoints to a complete understanding. What I am trying to say is that Science today repeats the flaw of stopping its thought process prematurely. It treads on the right path, but it does not reach the proper analysis and conclusion. This results in incorrect research and incorrect understanding and incorrect implementation and eventually, disastrous consequences.

True, what I have to say requires a certain level of pre-requisite faith but hey, this is my opinion.

What Religion has, which Science cannot or has so far been unable to, or is simply ill-equipped (equipment-wise or knowledge-wise) is the proper way, be it in the field of medicine, physiology, astronomy or geography. Somehow, the explanation eludes researchers, or maybe its simply because research has not been invested into exploring the ways of Religion. Its as if the mystical concepts are seen as obsolete or backward, and scientists simply refuse to examine it. This disturbs me. Incomplete, yet the answer is right there.

Sometimes, I feel that Science is merely Humanity's feeble attempts to understand God's ways and it has been birthed so that WE, Man, may have a glimmer of understanding of His wonders.

A tremor shakes the little bolts that hold up the foundation of the structure.

The knees bend at the weight that lies heavy on the shoulder.

Fists clenched, teeth bit in grit, the mind keeps at bay what the body wishes.

The gates have closed, and none shall pass, and guard from falling.

The grains of sand trickle by,
never pausing for a moment.
A steady stream, flowing past the fingers of Men,
of whom only few manage to capture and be immortalized through Time.

Leaves turn brown as the End draws near,
names inscribed upon the veins,
life seeps, and Death creeps,
they fall and the soul feels it,
alas the End draws near for them.

The pen has been set aside, and the ink has dried. The Book that is Fate is completed.

Youth

I realized why I have such a low tolerance for bullshit/when someone says something wrong.

Sure, it may be because I am a man of facts, but I think on a more basic level, its simply because when I was younger and behaved like so, I was always either reprimanded, shot-down, humiliated or corrected. I must admit, it is a vicious cycle and I am a vengeful - or fair (depends how you see it) person.

And thus began a slow conditioning to behave as such when I come across such behaviour, and now, here we are, me - now.

No, it does not necessarily do with me being a scholar, or officer, or the younger brother, or being smart-alecky or whatever nonsense that one may think of when thinking superficially, its as simple as saying the truth. But surprisingly, disappointingly I might add, there seem to be a problem in accepting truth when it gets in the way of the Ego.

Sigh.

Ego, you are an ugly beast in the form of Man, infecting their hearts, hardening it and twisting their words. You are hard to swallow and even harder to spit out. Ego, I will tame you and make you be silent.
In time, you will have no power over Me.

... . .. .. ... .. ... .. . . .. .... . .. ... ... .. .. .. .. . ... .. .. .. .. ... .. ... ... .. ... . .. . .. ..

Despite that; I am aware I adopt a sharp tongue, aggressive tone and non-compliance to listen. I need to work on that.

Declaration of Nothingness

Declare, declare where you stand.
Declare, declare that you are helpless, and in need of help.
Declare, declare that you have nothing.

and ask.

That is what I hope to mean every time I prostrate myself to You.

I am but a flawed human being, I am so full of mistakes, of bad habits, of vices and evil things that reside in my heart. I admit.

I only wish that I can be better, how much better I do not, and can not know, for that very knowledge limits my potential to improve.

I want to be right. That is all.

Please show me the Way

Forgive Me.

"Remind them, for you are only a reminder."

In my essay for my UK application, I highlighted how I am inspired and in awe of Nature, its perfection in structure, beauty and form and stated that to learn from Nature, is to learn the ways of the Creator.

The transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly, a wonderful transformation from something strange looking to something beautiful. Miracles take time to happen, and sometimes the process may seem long and painful. We rarely understand process fully that it comforts us, but we must have faith that all we face in Life, the trials and tribulations, are good for us.

The way to the purification of the Heart is first achieved by curbing the soul (Nafs) from its excessive desires (Hunger and Appetence).

How?

Hunger

1. Hunger purifies the Heart, it sharpens and illuminates one's insights.
2. The weakness that hunger brings softens the Heart and makes it more susceptible to Allah and to remember Him.
3. Our dependence and need for sustenance puts us in our place and demolishes our pride and ego by reminding us of our mortality and need for something apart from ourselves.
4. When sated, we forget Allah, His Trials and Torments and are more likely to sin.
5. The denial of our Nafs increase our control over it.
6. Hunger brings repulsion to sleep and allows us to remain awake longer.
7. Hunger allows for lengthy acts of worship to be carried out with greater ease.
8. Hunger has its own bodily health benefits.
9. By not eating, we reduce our expenditure.
10. Reminds us of the misfortune of others and makes us more empathetic to their needs.

"The non-believer eats with seven intestines (Nafs?), while the believer eats with one."

Also, overeating impairs the consciousness of Allah and His Provision, our gratitude, humility and fortitude.

Trying, but it seems worth it, doesn't it?

Night Vigil

1. "Spread peace, feed the needy, perform the Night Vigils and you will enter Paradise with ease." Its the little things that count.
2. Qiyam Al-Layl refers to the prayer done in the last third of the night, when the rest of Mankind is sleeping. This is when you are closest and most intimate with Allah, for nothing else distracts you. It is the time when Allah grants us our doas.
3. Qiyam Al-Layl brings us close to our Lord, atones for our sins, drive disease from our body and puts a stop to transgression.
4. "Because they (those that perform the night vigil and charity) commune with the Most Merciful and He clothes them in light with His Light.

The night vigil is difficult to perform as it requires one to wake from sleep in the wee hours of the morning. First, have the right intention. Second, go to bed early and do not overeat. Third, repent always and last, be consistent.

Silence

In silence, we can hear more.

"Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, speak good or be silent."

1. Even if there is a glimmer of doubt that your words will harm others, it is better to remain silent.
2. It is part of faith to speak Truth and that brings benefit to others.
3. Good speech is the foundation of good deeds that lead to Paradise.

Avoid backbiting; to mention that about your brother that which he hates. If it is true, it is backbiting. If it is false, it is slander. So... Its better to simply speak good or to remain silent.

How?

First, remember the benefit of keeping silent.
Second, fear the punishment of speaking bad.
Third, busy your tongues with Zikr and Qur'an.
Fourth, discipline yourself.
Last, apply the 3 second rule before speaking.

When reflecting on the Beauty and Nature of the Universe, remember Him.

"O our Lord, glory be to Thee and protect us from the fires of Hell."

Have good companions, be a good companion. You are more likely to follow the faith of your friends. Do not let the displeasure and discouraging words of people stop you from pursuing your Lord.

Derision;
to ridicule or humiliate someone and/or to mock or make jest of somebody at the expense of insulting them.

"This would be a useful lesson for me."

Ignorance is tied with the Derision. How?
It is the ignorant people that ridicule others for they do seek understanding before responding to somebody.

The people of Israel asked Nabi Musa A.S for help and Nabi Musa A.S responded by saying that Allah commands the slaughter of a cow. They (the people of Israel) said "Do you make us in ridicule?" He replied (responding with a doa) "I seek refuge in Allah from being among the ignorant."

Al Baqarah

This is an example of how a lack of understanding, combined with the lack of patience, can make one reply in a way that is of Derision. Thus, before responding, always think about your words before speaking, lest you ridicule others. Also, be open minded to the words and suggestions of others, do not merely jump to a conclusion prior to seeking understanding.

Recall the story of Nabi Nuh A.S, where as he constructed the Ark, as commanded by Allah S.W.T, his people ridiculed him and doubted his words, despite him being a man of Truth. This is the reality of our world, a world that has forgotten Allah S.W.T. The world will ridicule you and make you doubt yourself, and when trials and obstacles are aplenty. Hold firm and do not sway to the tides of the world.

Allah has stated in the Al Q'uran how He will test the believers with many things, it is expected!

Humor and Levity are important in human life. But Levity as a way of life harms the spiritual Heart.

Syeikh Hamzah Yusuf

As narrated by Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "If you knew that which I know, you would laugh little and weep much." Rasulullah S.A.W foresaw the state of his Ummah in the future and is greatly saddened by it. Our world today is backward and completely opposite of what Islam has taught. Knowing this, we should learn to be more aware and avoid the bad things. Do not be oblivious and inactive.

Laughing too much will darken the spiritual Heart, it is difficult for the Light of Allah to be reflected in the Heart. Hence, we should cleans and purify our Heart so that is can reflect Light (through the remembrance of Him).

Someone who mocks others are usually Arrogant and feel superior to them, hence, it is not unusual to find that the Cure of Derision is also the Cure for Derision. (Do not look down upon others for the tests may come in various forms)

1) Know your place and be Humble as a Creation of Allah: Even when Rasulullah S.A.W has won Mecca back after being exiled and treated poorly, when He entered Mecca, He had his head bowed down (in Humility).

2) Realize that the essence of mockery is to insult another: When making jest, be aware of the feelings of others as they may feel insulted and humiliated. Remember, you will be treated in Akhirat as you have treated others.

Whenever a mishap befalls another, do not laugh or ridicule them. Whenever a mishap befalls you, Allah raises you to a higher station and forgives your sins for He is Most Forgiving. Thus, be thankful for all that befalls you, be it good or bad, for in the end, He Knows Best.

In all that we have learnt, there is no point if it is not practiced.

That which cleanses the Heart is not the learning, instead, it is the act of Remembrance of Him that cleanses the Heart.

You only understand something fully when you can make others understand as well.

What can we do but wait, our efforts, merely supplications.
Like a vessel to be filled, all we can do is clean the vessel,
while waiting for the Master to pour His contents into it.

A vessel drips what it is filled with.

What is your vessel filled with?

Robot

Seeds come in many forms; some with soft flesh ready to supplement its eventual growth, some are hardy and tough, adapted to grow even in harsh environments and others are light and whimsical, flying wherever the wind takes them.

Regardless, any seed requires a few necessary conditions before they can grow.

I look at nature and I see the world of Men reflected in it.

People are like seeds, their background, upbringing, character and education mould them to be who there are.

However, before people can fully realize their Self, some conditions, though at different times and different degrees, must be met to allow that to happen.

If we do not expose ourselves to different environments, sometimes we deny ourselves experiences that may be what we need to enrich our growth.

Harsh environments remind us that Life can bring us low, and we can be stripped of comfort and choice, but it strengthens us and it directs us to find that glimmer of hope to hold on to when th light gets dim.

Comforting environments provide us with a form of release and escape from our difficulties and our problems. They are periods that remind us that our sacrifice and hardship will and have brought about a reward that we can enjoy. However, lest we forget, comforting environments are also reminders of what can be taken away.

It is a duality that exists everywhere in nature, a dynamic that pervades our very existence.

What we have to do is just to open our eyes, and our Hearts to learning and appreciating that dual nature of life that is the nourishment that we need and receive throughout our lives that will enable us to grow.

So be it good or bad, have faith and All Iz Well.

Meditate on Yourself

When most people awake from their sleep, their dreams are usually mere fragments, and it is unclear at best.

When I awake from my sleep, my dreams are as clear as my hand and it is clear enough for me to replay it.

I question things, and for the questions that I pose, there are always sources that can provide an answer.

How then do I find the answer to the questions arising from my dreams?

Its a strange feeling when I realize that I am dreaming, it feels so real. Just goes to show how powerful our sleeping mind is. I have read in a book, that the sleeping mind is the dormant bank of knowledge and power that all humans possess but is usually unable to tap when they are conscious.

Does it mean that when we are asleep, and our mind is not distracted by the little things that is our conscious life, it is able to access that part of our mind? Studies have often shown that our mind is more active when we are asleep due to the lack of distractions, providing for an optimal environment to solve deep-seated issues and process. 

Maybe so. And if so, I am quite certain it is a matter of practice and consistent effort before we can access that part of our mind consciously. 

SO FIRSTLY,

We must get rid of the distractions that pepper our mind incessantly, always asking for more attention than needed or necessary. Lets take this step by step shall we. Baby steps to a grand goal, a better Self.

If God wills it.

"Please ease my breathing so that I may sleep in peace."

"Why would He grant me my wish merely because I asked for something?"

"He grants to whoever He pleases, but often He grants to those that pleases Him."

"My eye sight is poor, what I would give to see through His sight."

"A devout servant who has devoted his Life to His Master, can simply ask, and behold, it will be granted."

"What a sight it must be, to see the world, to see everyone doing everything, to see all the happiness, sadness, peace, turmoil, the good and the bad, all at once."

"No mere mortal can bear that sight."

"No mere mortal is granted such a sight."

and darkness envelopes as I finally fall asleep.
I realize that if I don't focus my thoughts on anything, it will eventually centre on Him, Alhamdulillah.

Man is a tragedy.

By the time, Verily Man is in loss.

A promise and a declaration that we are surely losing something great.

Except -

An indication of a minority as compared to the majority, an exception

- for those who believe, AND does righteous good deeds, AND invites one another to the TRUTH, AND invites one another to the patience.

The answer is laid bare before us, like a textbook to an examination. It is there, we can see, we can use it, only if we put the effort to. We are drowning in an ocean and we are asleep in a beautiful dream. We wake and we realize our reality and we try to swim. We break through the surface and gasp for air, but we get pulled under. We realize we are chained to another who is asleep, and drowning. We wake them up, not for their survival, but for ours. We tell them, "Wake up! Wake up!" persistently, and until they do, and we remind them why they must wake up, and that they are drowning. We may get tired, we may get frustrated, but we must not give up, and we must be patient. We are drowning. 

The four criteria that saves us. 

Knowledge is the key to the door of change. 

Guidance is the light that fills the passageway. 

The door may be open, the way may be lit, but until we take that step, 

we will never pass through it.

If I could weave art instead of words, a splash of colours, black and white, a sharp edge, thin and bold lines, shades of grey, random dots indicating flaws, motion on paper, I would.

Music has always inspired a more focused side of me. Its like a lubricant to my thoughts, music, its rhythm  the vocals, the bass, every note easing the congestion that are my thoughts.

Right now, listening to Armin, aside from the natural movements of my limbs to the sounds of trance, my mind creates images of multi coloured ribbons streaming and weaving in the air through a huge cavern, illuminating the walls with luminescence as the walls come alive with vines crawling up to the ceiling where it opens up to a sun rise over a mountain ridge and a hard flowing river at the foreground with a man running along it, desperately chasing something, his breathing ragged and limbs moving too fast for the eye to catch. He runs, a shadow against the bright background until he reaches a summit of sorts and there awaiting him is a small note. As he looks upon the notes, he is brought back to a distant memory of his young life, and colours start flying again.

You know what I miss? Crunching numbers. Doing Mathematics till I go numb and its just a process that I do in my head. Something as simple as a tweet regarding maths triggered this strong desire in my head and I went on to crunch some random algebraic problems in my head. I don't know why, I just do. Random variables here and there. Of course its limited by how difficult the problems I have faced in the past, but it just clicks naturally in my head. I guess its like cheating, doing a test with the answer in hand, but surprisingly, its not. There is no solution at present, just a problem.

Like random phrases that spontaneously pop into my mind, phrases I have read before, in a book some years ago, on an app a moment ago, even in my sleep my mind does this, connecting dots that my conscious mind is too preoccupied to. I grasp their meanings, enlightening sometimes, like catching sand with my hands,  lasting only a moment for my subconscious to capture, but flitting through my fingers as quickly as they arrive. Best thing about it is that its not only in one language.

As the beat increases steadily to a climax, right at this hour, 0200hrs, I feel like running. My body relishes the freedom of movement, the zest of life in the form of the muscles cramping, heart a-thumping and blood rushing through my vessels, the heat emanating from every inch of my body. Sometimes, I run to my limit, till th edges of my vision turn dark and all I hear is my heart beat, just cause. As I run, for every breath I take, every step I make, I remember Him. As I run, my thoughts escape from the gravity of Life and just floats freely, and Thank Him that it goes toward Him, I ponder and I appreciate.

There is no God WORTHY of worship except Allah and Muhammad is His Messenger.

I ponder on values worth worshipping and my mind goes into overdrive as I recollect all that I know of Him. It makes me run harder and faster, almost unbelievably. I let go and my legs just follow the intense train of thought that follows and soon enough, thought ends and I just run with Him in mind. It drives my legs at a very fast pace, the muscles hot from exertion but moment takes over and its all good.

gy·ro·scope  

/ˈjīrəˌskōp/

Noun A device, used to provide stability or maintain a fixed orientation, consisting of a wheel or disk mounted so that it can spin rapidly...

Being angry is a choice that an individual makes.

Choice follows logic/thoughts.

But I disagree? Personally, I believe being angry is a habit, a trait of character.

Why? Because people know that they shouldn't get angry, that getting angry is pointless, that it leads to non-positive things and that essentially, its just not cool.

So why then do people still get angry?

I wrote down,
'Behaviour is something that is nurtured and is a result of mimicking/ learning of the outcome of our environment with relation to action.'

Being angry is a result of uncontrolled emotions and lack of patience. Our mind is a beautiful thing, it factors in the consequence of us being angry, be it in our environment; namely people, internally in our mind; our thoughts, and also interestingly, physiologically, how our body feels/react to the outburst of anger. When we get angry and it results in change that favours us, our mind connects the dots and assumes that being angry is a solution to our frustration. When we get angry, our body experiences a rush of hormones and what not and it gives us a satisfying feeling, our brain connects the dots and assumes that being angry is enjoyable.

But in truth, being angry, or rather specifically, a destructive form of anger, is something that is detrimental to our well-being. I say well-being and not health because well-being encompasses everything, from our physical self, to our mental self and our character and our relationships with others. When we get angry, we lose patience, we do not take the time to think of our actions or words, we lash out, and inevitably, it will result in an irreversible consequence. For most cases, it will result in hurt, or more anger, and thus more hurt and such. See the cycle now? Being angry causes a negative impact on our health, our heart races, our breathing quickens and our blood pressure increases. Our heart feels the strain. When we get angry, we think negative things, things which are hurtful to others if said, things we don't really mean.

We get it. Being angry is bad for us.

As Rasulullah  SAW had said, "Do not be angry and furious". Alas, He is the best of us.

I will try my best not to be as angry as before. The point of learning, is change...

I want to heal,

I want to feel,

Like I'm close to something Real.

I want to find something I've wanted all along;

Somewhere I Belong.

_______________________________________________________

Holding onto your words may seem like an easy to accomplish, but how mistaken are we.

Sometimes, in this day and age, our perception of promise has been so diluted from casual jokes and loose agreements that we forget that for EACH word spoken, it is but a promise made by our own self.

What I speak of is Amanah.

Amanah is loosely translated from Arabic to English as 'trust'. Amanah is not a value inculcated in an individual, it is a way of life that encompasses all that we do. Amanah is the promise in our words and actions, it is the 'yes I will' we say when asked to do something, it is the silent purpose that drives us to do something just because we have agreed to, it is the heavy responsibility of upholding the agreement, the belief and the truth.

Today, I bear witness to a superb example of keeping one's Amanah from one superb example of Humanity. It pains me yet it grants me humility and realization, to see such a flawless example, only to be acutely aware of my very own flaws. It grants me a closer connection to The Ideal and inspires me to aspire to be as such.

Bitter medicine is good medicine.

A generic statement.

By the Time, verily Man is in loss.

Except for those who believe and does righteous good deeds.

And invites one another to the Truth and invites one another to the Patience.



Its quite a simple way to live by, just be Good. There is no solid definition for this, but I believe it lies in our core to be that way. Like, there is a small voice that always tell us what is the right way to be, in our actions or words. But that voice seems to be drowned by the sound of thought and the weighing of pros and cons and all the little thoughts that make up our decisions.


Yet it is so difficult?

I am sleepy and the sound of me typing seems a wee bit too loud.

I am hungry and food would require effort to be prepared.

I am tired and my body is wishing for a good long rest.

I am alone and my thoughts are whirling about in my head.

I am contented and Life has been kind in its recent unwinding.

I am conscious and memories play back like an old movie.

I am aware and my mistakes are but lessons in disguise.

I am open and advice is taken freely without any ill-feeling.

I am awake and suddenly it comes to me.

_____________________________________

Sometimes, all it takes its a simple reminder;

a handful of words carelessly or carefully picked, perfect in combination and endless in its portents.

Needless to say, I make plenty of mistakes;

some I am not proud of, understandably, but worst even, those of which I am unaware of.

Thankfully, I have been blessed with openness;

openness to accept words kind and unkind, occurrences fortunate and unfortunate.

_____________________________________

I am happy and thankful to be reminded, but once the dust settles down, I am suddenly all to conscious of my previous actions, suddenly I am brought back to a day or two, a week, sometimes a month, and I am recollecting as to where I have gone wrong, where and how did the fault come about. Have I been doing something wrong all this while? Curiously, the flow of thoughts seem to take a nanosecond and yet, it goes so far. I am fearful and seek repentance, I become painfully aware of my mistakes and it strikes a revealing strike and leaves me vulnerable. I scramble towards a buoy to save myself and I take a moment to recollect myself. Silence comes as a shade and I ponder in silent recollection and reflection. I realize the what, how and why and I sigh, of relief and of solemn acceptance of fault. Who is to be blamed but myself. Deep breaths accompany regret and slowly, peace returns to my heart. I am aware and enlightened, I see within myself a change stemming from realization, acceptance and determination. Instead of looking back, I look forward, to the days, weeks and months hopefully ahead, and I smile. Light has shone upon the shadowed pathway once more and I am relieved. Mistakes occur, undeniably, and I look at them with a bitter-sweet emotion, relived that I am aware of them, yet saddened that I have to make one to realize something within.

_____________________________________

All it takes is a simple reminder.

(as I typed this, my mind has entered a semi-dream state and my senses are heightened to an unusually abnormal level, it scares me, everything seems too loud, too far, too bright and right as this very moment, I am fending off the fear to just shut down my computer. the noise, it drowns the deafening silence that wraps around me , every action I make seem like an effort. this semi-dream state is frightening, my nightmare come to life, a form of heightened reality that I have to sometimes live with. 

Oh Life.)

Logic is a mental derivative function that utilizes empirical evidence such as facts or valid assumptions based on observations and/or factors already known and accounted for.

The whole basis of Logic is that it functions on information either acquired or deduced.

Hence, if there is no such information, logic cannot apply as thought would not occur.

Thus, if it is written that 'that ye know not', logic can no longer follow. And thus, why we Submit.

Blank.

sin·cere  

/sinˈsi(ə)r/

Adjective Free from pretense or deceit; proceeding from genuine feelings. (of a person) Saying what they genuinely feel or believe; not dishonest or hypocritical.

Sincerity is the value that is most difficult to acquire. 

It eludes the hearts of Men like a bird flitting through the branches, and even if it is present, without proper care, it is quick to evaporate, much like a drop of dew in early morning. Hard to get, harder to keep.

Alas, for all that it is worth, it is the Key. It is the 1% that is needed for it to be 100%.

And best of all, it is one of the deepest secret that we have within ourselves. One we cannot describe or prove to others, it merely is and no other should be the judge of that.

My young ears have been fortunate to have heard the words spoken by sages and I recall one saying that the purest form of Sincerity is to expect Nothing At All In Return. Now that I look back, I realize that if that is the purest level, surely there will be lower forms of it to exist within our hearts and in our actions. I worry greatly, and take great care when it comes to Sincerity. Out of the many values that Islam teaches, I value Sincerity most highly. What is a deed done if it is not sincere? The very thought of a deed's accountability affects the sincerity of the deed itself. 

Sincerity is tightly linked to Ni'at. 

As such, both form a portion of the core of our actions. Such a fundamental aspect, one that I am very conscious of. I strive for it, silence is a great companion and facilitator. My words may corrupt my Sincerity and so, silence is best. It is only for Him to know.

One thing leads to another, Sincerity leads to examination of Ni'at which leads to examination of Self which leads  to so many other things that my mind in this state is unable to completely view. Just too many.

Alas, Masy'Allah I am sobered by how beautiful Islam is.

It is a 

Full Circle

Behaviour

A rule of thumb : Do not look negatively at people, or even things for that matter.

I was taught to not judge people, for their appearance, their words, their actions, their behaviour. It was a difficult lesson, one that took many years to bear fruit. At times, we jump to conclusions, making conjectures regarding others based on the empirical evidence we gather from our interactions with them. This is natural. And as my father had once said, Natural does not mean its right. On the contrary, sometimes what we are naturally inclined to do are the complete opposite of right. Alas, this is a different story and I have digressed. When we have a pre-conceived idea of people based on our judgements, we tend to overlook on other aspects that might hint otherwise, or likewise. We have, concluded.

--------------------------------------------

I was taught to just accept things as they are, in any situation, be it bad or good, always to smile and take it as it is. Silence that urge to snap back, or make a judgement. It was difficult. I tried and I tried, to look at things square in the eye, and not let my heart fidget. I would say I was privileged to have been taught such a lesson, it teaches me to tolerate and be patient with things. Even now, at this prime age, where the confidence of youth and knowledge are ripe, it is ever more difficult. But alas, hardships bear the greatest lessons. Even now, I have a greater appreciation and understanding of this lesson taught many years back, it is simply to relent to God and accept fate as decreed. Oh the layers, how they peel as the years go by.

Despite this, it would be foolish to completely ignore the fact that behaviour is undeniably closely linked to what lies underneath, the Heart and the Mind. Behaviour is an expression of self, and how can one express that which is not true? Behaviour gives an indication of the health of the inner-being. 

Indication. Not a definition.

This is where the problem lie. What is self? We, including myself, only have a fraction of understanding of who we truly are, our self. How then can we say that we are expressing our self when we barely know it? Alas we arrive the fundamental obstacle with religion, knowing our self. A truly difficult lesson. Sages of past have said that in order to see one's self, one requires a mirror. Ancient phrases speak of a needed journey to discover one's inner-self, through experiential reflection. In both, we can see that this quest - to discover one's self; inevitably requires the aid of another, an instrument, a Teacher.

I am asleep.

It seems to me, that I have an almost insatiable hunger for knowledge.
I have never seemed to mind learning something new, just a matter of preference.
But eventually, what is knowledge without application?
It would be like a tree with its fruits so ripe, but never to be picked.
I have been told that there isn't a need to memorize many things,
but as it goes with whomever that said that, it is all a matter of interpretation.

'Its the questions we can't answer that teach us most. They teach us how to think. If you give a man an answer, all he gains is a little fact. But give him a question and he'll look for his own answers.'

There are many questions, and I am still looking.

deep in th stillness of night,
as people lay asleep in their beds,
an hour void of th din of life,
small thoughts swirl all around.

there is something to learn,
a lesson is always there, somewhere.
no thing is ever point-less,
it merely takes some time and effort,
before it can be found.

questions lead to further questioning,
why, what, how, who, when, all the same,
they propel th mind to seek answers,
answers that can only be sought after.

intellectual pursuit and enlightenment,
one precedes th other, dawn to dusk,
for betterment of mind and soul,
th much needed nourishment of th day.

think, for it leads to questions,
question, for it leads to answer,
answers, understand and accept them,
then, and only then, will you ever learn.

Thought.

Validation.

Approval.

Acceptance.

Encouragement.

Empowerment.

Renewal.

Vigour.

Determination.

Motivation.

At times,

We are faced with;

seemingly overwhelming odds, irresistible temptations, stubborn distractions and immovable laziness.

Often,

We tend to;

give up too quickly, give in without a fight, lose our focus and procrastinate for too long.

in·er·tia  

/iˈnərSHə/

Noun A tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged: "bureaucratic inertia". A property of matter by which it continues in its existing state of rest or uniform motion in a straight line, unless that state is...

Sometimes,

All we need is;

A little Push.

Thank you.

Sometimes we search and search for something, something we do not even know, just a desire to acquire something. Ephemeral or ever-lasting, it does not matter. We dedicate hours, days, lives in search of it, but we never find it. Some things are not meant to be searched, they are not found.

A tiny thought went through my mind yesterday. In our youth, we have the time and energy to pursue life, but we lack the time to. In our middle age, we have the money and the energy, but not the time. And lastly, when we are old, we have the money, the time, but sadly, not the energy. We are always lacking something in the pursuit of life. An asymptote in the graph that is Life. We can only approach it to such a degree, so close, but still, it will never be. We will never get it, chasing shadows. That was how my cousin put it. Life is like our own shadow, no matter how fast we run, no matter how we twist and turn, it always be beyond our grasp. Instead, we should turn towards the Light, pursue the Light instead. No one said it was not possible, but often we get distracted by the little things. See, once we chase the light, our shadow will follow suit. As such, so will life pursue us, as a distraction, a temptation, a hindrance, an obstacle, in our pursuit of enlightenment.
Such are the trials of this life on Earth. The simpler they are, the more deceivingly dangerous they are. You want that ice cream? Oh, but if you do, there won't be time for Asar. You want to take a walk? Zuhur is ending soon. Out with friends? We have just entered Maghrib.

I think I am very very grateful to have friends who are non-muslims but yet still understand when I tell them I have to do something, for Islam. They would nod, smile and encourage me to carry on. Alhamdulillah. There are the type of people whose minds God have blessed to be open, to be receptive towards Islam. Alhamdulillah. They will ask and I will answer, and if I am unable to, it will compel me to find out. Alas, how can ignorance be granted? As I walked to the masjid as azan Maghrib was recited loud over the microphone, echoing around the vicinity, I looked within myself, and asked, 'how can anyone ignore the call to God, when it is so wonderful and beautiful?' I teared. Alhamdulillah.

We live in a world where Islam has been distorted, repressed, suppressed and ignored. Though we may simply say it is the fault of the non-believers, I stand to say that is also our fault, the believers, for standing tall and firm when our religion is compromised. Secular? Modern? I am not too sure that such terms exist, that religion is something that can be compromised. It all boils down to a simple desire of adherence, or ignorance. Such is the nature of temptation in our current age, and I fear that it is a temptation that will seduce a great many of us.

Alas, the hour is late, I have missed the Hour. Till then.

I need a teacher.

Often, I catch myself asking many questions, regarding the many things around me. Behaviour, actions, mechanisms, structures, systems and nature itself. Most of the questions usually revolve around a simple question, 'why?'. 

I was once interviewed by a professor a few years back, and he asked me, 'what is the value you value most?'. After some thought, I answered 'Understanding.' My reasoning was because once we have an understanding regarding something, it would allow us to have a clearer picture to the reasons for such things. My logic was simple, if we understand the reason behind something, we can rationalize OUR actions or thinking towards it, be it to consider it right or wrong, and such implications can extend towards our tolerance of such thing, our preference of such thing, and even our desire for such things. 

Take for example, religion. People follow the practices they see, a matter of mimicking an observation in their environment, from friends and family. It would be grossly shameful for me to even think whether or not this is not ideal, for alas who am I to judge. But back to the matter, if we understand the practices and lessons and values of a religion, and it is undeniably correct, would any sane person reject it? There is a verse that I cannot recall entirely, but of which the gist states that blessings are to be given to the learned. Why? Upon the journey of knowledge, we will eventually be shone the truth of things, and when one partakes in such a journey, it is not only to discover knowledge, but just as importantly, it is also to discover oneself. Upon seeing the truth of things, will one not be enlightened? And thus, blessed are they of the learned for they will definitely have discovered God. It is becoming ever more difficult to find avenues where such questions regarding religion can be quenched. Difficult, yes, but infinitely rewarding I trust. Alas, I am far from understanding of my religion, I am but a mere sapling, seeking the Light to nourish my existence. It gives me the shivers (Literally, it just did) when I think of how my time is spent, not on this journey of discovery but on other things, and I fear for my very existence. MasyAllah. 

I am displeased with myself, but I want and will make amendments.

The silent hour of night holds me steady.

I am not sure if it is the amplified sound of each and every key that I type, or the echoing silence in the atmosphere, but whichever it is, it rings in my head, ominous and tiring, all mine.

While many sleep, they say this is the best time to be awake. Like traffic during the day, it is so hard to go about. But once night comes by, swings by and all sway to its call, alas, it is empty once more.

The irony, no thoughts swirl by behind my eyes, no burden hefting its weight, no worry pressing for attention, no problem seeking a solution, it is a blissful emptiness that resides within.

Within that emptiness, lies a secret held within myself. No words are necessary for this communing, merely an awareness and an intention. Like the wind whispering inaudible tales.

No concept of time bind me to reality, floating by in a dreamlike state, going by as I please, doing as I please, actions with no consequence to others but myself, on a whim, simply because.

I come and I go as I please, mercurial.

In the quiet of the night, when things become deafeningly silent, and your mind's thundering with thoughts that prevent you from sleeping, I want you to remember that my voice is only eight digits away.

In the stillness of your bed, where all is static and unmoving, and you feel that you're the only one there, all alone wrapped in your blanket, I want you to remember that I am always with you, by your side.

In the non-stop whirring of your thoughts, from A to Z they whiz by, when you feel that they are becoming overwhelming and seem to exert their effects onto you, I want you to remember that I am always here, a listening ear.

I strive to be the best for you,

but my failures seem to be more significant.

My heart in my throat,

I look back and feel disappointed in myself.

Anger gels with sadness,

but the emotions in you take precedence.

I want to take care of you,

and I really do, I mean what I say.

All I can ask and hope for,

is that you will give me another chance.

...... ... .. . .. . . .. .... .. .. ... .. .. ... ... .. .... ... .. . ... ... .. .... .. . ..

I always tell you that I have voices in my head that express their disappointment or anger at me when I have done something wrong, my story being me doing Math in secondary school. I take it as a good sign that as I made my long walk back home, past the blocks and up the bridge, my inner voice was blasting me non-stop.

I have been selfish, as I said, always making you feel guilty for wanting something which I don't, I regret that. I have been tactless, for not seeing how my words were affecting you, how your eyes dip down when I talk.

I say this with a very heavy heart, and I mean every word that I say, I am sorry, I seek your forgiveness and I hope that you can give me one more chance to redeem my words. My inner voice only comes out when it senses that I am doing something wrong when I should be doing it right. You. I want to make you right, and that is why my inner voice has spoken, cos I have not been doing so, and right now, I really want to. Please.

... . .. .. . ... . .. . . .. . . . . .. .. . . .... ... ... ... . . ... . ... .... ... ... .. ..

A tree.

All things begin with a seed.

Be it animal or plant, we all have similar beginnings.

But what differs us all is how we grow, and change with time.

Like rivers, we meander through time, weaving through obstacles here and there.

It shapes us, makes us who we are, but really, does our environment influence our change?

Looking back, change has been a passive, it is acted upon, something we do actively.

Men, we are volatile, like a river, we can either bend to the world, or we go headstrong.

I am but a mere sapling, still young and naive, with many years to go ahead of me (Hopefully!)

But even now, when I look around, I see the people around me succumbing to the dark world

A melancholic wind whispers its sad tune to me, but it motivates me to remain as I am.

Some lessons in life can be learnt from just observing that which God has made, untouched.

Look at the simple tree, it is everywhere.

A tree begins with a seed.

Just as all things do.

That seed will receive

like all, the necessary.

However, interestingly,

all trees, no matter what

environment or nutrition,

will always grow towards

the light that enlightens it.

It can be battered by the

world, by others and what not,

but it remains constant and grows

towards that which it deems most vital.

The light that enlightens and gives growth.

They say as we grow up, we change, we change.

Lets look at the fundamentals, our character and values.

They say as we mature, we understand better and change.

However, is that really ideal? The tree grows the same type of leaves,

ever since day one, till the day it dies, it has the same trunk and type of leaves.

The years simply allow it to be stronger, healthier, better, but nonetheless, still the same.

But alas, the tree is made perfect for its being a tree, and thus, it has no need to change, but merely to adapt.

I guess, the issue at hand is to ensure that our very fundamentals are correct before we make a change within

I sincerely hope that my fundamentals and values have been correct, cause some say that I have not changed

I pray that it is, for if it so, I know now that all Time can do for me is to make me into a better person in time.

Insyallah.

and as trees go, even in shadow, they move towards the light,

I hope that we move to the light too, I will do my best to do so

1 + 1 = 2
2 + 2 = 4

Simple.

ax^2 + bx + c = 0
where (b^2 - 4ac)^1/2 > 0
hence x = (-b +/- (b^2 - 4ac)^1/2)/2a

Still simple enough.

Emotional turmoil
'No, its just unfair for you then'
Empty words and untrue assumptions

This is where shit gets messy.

As hot tears flow out, a coolness settles over the heart, like earth deprived of water, it hardens and cracks.

We absorb what we choose to hear, read and see. Logical deduction follows, and the outcome, our understanding of the matter, is essentially the product of our own choices. But the heart doesn't abide by the same process. It feels what it feels, it doesn't have to have a reason to, it just does. We naturally associate our emotions with our thoughts, justifying how we are feeling with reasons. It is an ethereal invisible and almost indiscernible link, but sometimes, there is a difference. We feel what we feel, and sometimes, there are no reasons for it, we need no reasons for it.

and I have been told, no matter what the clash is between our mind and our heart, always listen to the heart. I pride myself to be a man of logic, and ironically, I adhere to that saying strongly. Irony carries with it a a
negative connotation, but this is far from negative. We don't understand why, but I know it to be otherwise. It being spoken by a sage may be why.

we all have secrets,

like the corners of a room, inevitably cast in shadow.

some, we share among the closest, others we leave open, a question away.

and a few that we keep behind lock and key, thrown deep into the sea.

late at night, 

our thoughts travel far and wide, and wriggle deep down even.

tight lipped, brows furrowed and eyes either closed or open, distant.

they unravel for us to see what is reflected in the heart.

the cup is full,

filled to the brim with anger, fear and anxiety.

it weighs heavily on the mind, we enter a ponderous sleep.

there, our mind seeks to make sense of all and the result?

Dreams.

I lay awake, thinking of you thinking.
Its a troubling thing to think of,
But, an essential one, one in dire thought.
Thinking allows us to process, to weigh our decisions, rationallity and irrationality.
However, did God not put the human soul prior to letting the mind work?
Sometimes, no, often, I wonder. How would we be if we let our hearts rule our lives, it will be simpler, imperfect, but definitely sincere.
Our heart is from Him, and He knows best, for indeed, if we remember Him, He will remember us, and all shall be arranged.
An eternal internal war is being waged, between the heart and the mind, and I know for a fact, that no matter what, the heart must be the victor. My heart goes out to you oh reader, listen to my words and that it may bring you peace of mind and of heart :)

Today I remembered th reason to why I used to not show emotion.

a concrete face, a stone heart, an icy gaze,
They were my arms when facing moments when emotional breakdown would spell disaster. A quick, unfeeling and logical mind. Today I remembered why I had actually put it effort to sharpen the ability to remove myself from emotional attachment. Self control, patience and power. Today, I witnessed the weakness of emotional expression;

the seething teeth, the shivering arms, the stuttering and excessively loud tone. The raging fury that clouds your logic and sense, your awareness to reason and error. Silence, a nod here and there, the cool gaze that stares at your blood shot eyes. Oh what an illusion.

Respect, empathy and peace.

I don't understand what my body goes through, my vision sharpens, I see every detail, my peripherals extend, your tone, the environment, your actions, everything seems clearer. You grow distant, the room seems larger and you move further away. My body tenses ever so slightly, my muscles swollen with blood and fury. My lips are pursed, my eyes always looking straight into yours. Slow and deep breaths, my voice deepens when I speak, slow and calm. My mind not simply focused on the current scenario, playing multiple possible scenarios at once, my answers, curt, logical and unfeeling, quiet in my mind. You say I assume, yes you are correct. Let me finish. But, no. Its not worth it, yes, I am wrong and yes I show a lack of responsibility. Yes you are right. But your assumptions to why, I'm sorry to say, you're wrong. I like my job, I care for my men, for you however, not so much.

Simple as that.