What can we do but wait, our efforts, merely supplications.
Like a vessel to be filled, all we can do is clean the vessel,
while waiting for the Master to pour His contents into it.

A vessel drips what it is filled with.

What is your vessel filled with?

Robot

Seeds come in many forms; some with soft flesh ready to supplement its eventual growth, some are hardy and tough, adapted to grow even in harsh environments and others are light and whimsical, flying wherever the wind takes them.

Regardless, any seed requires a few necessary conditions before they can grow.

I look at nature and I see the world of Men reflected in it.

People are like seeds, their background, upbringing, character and education mould them to be who there are.

However, before people can fully realize their Self, some conditions, though at different times and different degrees, must be met to allow that to happen.

If we do not expose ourselves to different environments, sometimes we deny ourselves experiences that may be what we need to enrich our growth.

Harsh environments remind us that Life can bring us low, and we can be stripped of comfort and choice, but it strengthens us and it directs us to find that glimmer of hope to hold on to when th light gets dim.

Comforting environments provide us with a form of release and escape from our difficulties and our problems. They are periods that remind us that our sacrifice and hardship will and have brought about a reward that we can enjoy. However, lest we forget, comforting environments are also reminders of what can be taken away.

It is a duality that exists everywhere in nature, a dynamic that pervades our very existence.

What we have to do is just to open our eyes, and our Hearts to learning and appreciating that dual nature of life that is the nourishment that we need and receive throughout our lives that will enable us to grow.

So be it good or bad, have faith and All Iz Well.

Meditate on Yourself

When most people awake from their sleep, their dreams are usually mere fragments, and it is unclear at best.

When I awake from my sleep, my dreams are as clear as my hand and it is clear enough for me to replay it.

I question things, and for the questions that I pose, there are always sources that can provide an answer.

How then do I find the answer to the questions arising from my dreams?

Its a strange feeling when I realize that I am dreaming, it feels so real. Just goes to show how powerful our sleeping mind is. I have read in a book, that the sleeping mind is the dormant bank of knowledge and power that all humans possess but is usually unable to tap when they are conscious.

Does it mean that when we are asleep, and our mind is not distracted by the little things that is our conscious life, it is able to access that part of our mind? Studies have often shown that our mind is more active when we are asleep due to the lack of distractions, providing for an optimal environment to solve deep-seated issues and process. 

Maybe so. And if so, I am quite certain it is a matter of practice and consistent effort before we can access that part of our mind consciously. 

SO FIRSTLY,

We must get rid of the distractions that pepper our mind incessantly, always asking for more attention than needed or necessary. Lets take this step by step shall we. Baby steps to a grand goal, a better Self.

If God wills it.

"Please ease my breathing so that I may sleep in peace."

"Why would He grant me my wish merely because I asked for something?"

"He grants to whoever He pleases, but often He grants to those that pleases Him."

"My eye sight is poor, what I would give to see through His sight."

"A devout servant who has devoted his Life to His Master, can simply ask, and behold, it will be granted."

"What a sight it must be, to see the world, to see everyone doing everything, to see all the happiness, sadness, peace, turmoil, the good and the bad, all at once."

"No mere mortal can bear that sight."

"No mere mortal is granted such a sight."

and darkness envelopes as I finally fall asleep.
I realize that if I don't focus my thoughts on anything, it will eventually centre on Him, Alhamdulillah.

Man is a tragedy.

By the time, Verily Man is in loss.

A promise and a declaration that we are surely losing something great.

Except -

An indication of a minority as compared to the majority, an exception

- for those who believe, AND does righteous good deeds, AND invites one another to the TRUTH, AND invites one another to the patience.

The answer is laid bare before us, like a textbook to an examination. It is there, we can see, we can use it, only if we put the effort to. We are drowning in an ocean and we are asleep in a beautiful dream. We wake and we realize our reality and we try to swim. We break through the surface and gasp for air, but we get pulled under. We realize we are chained to another who is asleep, and drowning. We wake them up, not for their survival, but for ours. We tell them, "Wake up! Wake up!" persistently, and until they do, and we remind them why they must wake up, and that they are drowning. We may get tired, we may get frustrated, but we must not give up, and we must be patient. We are drowning. 

The four criteria that saves us. 

Knowledge is the key to the door of change. 

Guidance is the light that fills the passageway. 

The door may be open, the way may be lit, but until we take that step, 

we will never pass through it.

If I could weave art instead of words, a splash of colours, black and white, a sharp edge, thin and bold lines, shades of grey, random dots indicating flaws, motion on paper, I would.

Music has always inspired a more focused side of me. Its like a lubricant to my thoughts, music, its rhythm  the vocals, the bass, every note easing the congestion that are my thoughts.

Right now, listening to Armin, aside from the natural movements of my limbs to the sounds of trance, my mind creates images of multi coloured ribbons streaming and weaving in the air through a huge cavern, illuminating the walls with luminescence as the walls come alive with vines crawling up to the ceiling where it opens up to a sun rise over a mountain ridge and a hard flowing river at the foreground with a man running along it, desperately chasing something, his breathing ragged and limbs moving too fast for the eye to catch. He runs, a shadow against the bright background until he reaches a summit of sorts and there awaiting him is a small note. As he looks upon the notes, he is brought back to a distant memory of his young life, and colours start flying again.

You know what I miss? Crunching numbers. Doing Mathematics till I go numb and its just a process that I do in my head. Something as simple as a tweet regarding maths triggered this strong desire in my head and I went on to crunch some random algebraic problems in my head. I don't know why, I just do. Random variables here and there. Of course its limited by how difficult the problems I have faced in the past, but it just clicks naturally in my head. I guess its like cheating, doing a test with the answer in hand, but surprisingly, its not. There is no solution at present, just a problem.

Like random phrases that spontaneously pop into my mind, phrases I have read before, in a book some years ago, on an app a moment ago, even in my sleep my mind does this, connecting dots that my conscious mind is too preoccupied to. I grasp their meanings, enlightening sometimes, like catching sand with my hands,  lasting only a moment for my subconscious to capture, but flitting through my fingers as quickly as they arrive. Best thing about it is that its not only in one language.

As the beat increases steadily to a climax, right at this hour, 0200hrs, I feel like running. My body relishes the freedom of movement, the zest of life in the form of the muscles cramping, heart a-thumping and blood rushing through my vessels, the heat emanating from every inch of my body. Sometimes, I run to my limit, till th edges of my vision turn dark and all I hear is my heart beat, just cause. As I run, for every breath I take, every step I make, I remember Him. As I run, my thoughts escape from the gravity of Life and just floats freely, and Thank Him that it goes toward Him, I ponder and I appreciate.

There is no God WORTHY of worship except Allah and Muhammad is His Messenger.

I ponder on values worth worshipping and my mind goes into overdrive as I recollect all that I know of Him. It makes me run harder and faster, almost unbelievably. I let go and my legs just follow the intense train of thought that follows and soon enough, thought ends and I just run with Him in mind. It drives my legs at a very fast pace, the muscles hot from exertion but moment takes over and its all good.

gy·ro·scope  

/ˈjīrəˌskōp/

Noun A device, used to provide stability or maintain a fixed orientation, consisting of a wheel or disk mounted so that it can spin rapidly...

Being angry is a choice that an individual makes.

Choice follows logic/thoughts.

But I disagree? Personally, I believe being angry is a habit, a trait of character.

Why? Because people know that they shouldn't get angry, that getting angry is pointless, that it leads to non-positive things and that essentially, its just not cool.

So why then do people still get angry?

I wrote down,
'Behaviour is something that is nurtured and is a result of mimicking/ learning of the outcome of our environment with relation to action.'

Being angry is a result of uncontrolled emotions and lack of patience. Our mind is a beautiful thing, it factors in the consequence of us being angry, be it in our environment; namely people, internally in our mind; our thoughts, and also interestingly, physiologically, how our body feels/react to the outburst of anger. When we get angry and it results in change that favours us, our mind connects the dots and assumes that being angry is a solution to our frustration. When we get angry, our body experiences a rush of hormones and what not and it gives us a satisfying feeling, our brain connects the dots and assumes that being angry is enjoyable.

But in truth, being angry, or rather specifically, a destructive form of anger, is something that is detrimental to our well-being. I say well-being and not health because well-being encompasses everything, from our physical self, to our mental self and our character and our relationships with others. When we get angry, we lose patience, we do not take the time to think of our actions or words, we lash out, and inevitably, it will result in an irreversible consequence. For most cases, it will result in hurt, or more anger, and thus more hurt and such. See the cycle now? Being angry causes a negative impact on our health, our heart races, our breathing quickens and our blood pressure increases. Our heart feels the strain. When we get angry, we think negative things, things which are hurtful to others if said, things we don't really mean.

We get it. Being angry is bad for us.

As Rasulullah  SAW had said, "Do not be angry and furious". Alas, He is the best of us.

I will try my best not to be as angry as before. The point of learning, is change...

I want to heal,

I want to feel,

Like I'm close to something Real.

I want to find something I've wanted all along;

Somewhere I Belong.

_______________________________________________________

Holding onto your words may seem like an easy to accomplish, but how mistaken are we.

Sometimes, in this day and age, our perception of promise has been so diluted from casual jokes and loose agreements that we forget that for EACH word spoken, it is but a promise made by our own self.

What I speak of is Amanah.

Amanah is loosely translated from Arabic to English as 'trust'. Amanah is not a value inculcated in an individual, it is a way of life that encompasses all that we do. Amanah is the promise in our words and actions, it is the 'yes I will' we say when asked to do something, it is the silent purpose that drives us to do something just because we have agreed to, it is the heavy responsibility of upholding the agreement, the belief and the truth.

Today, I bear witness to a superb example of keeping one's Amanah from one superb example of Humanity. It pains me yet it grants me humility and realization, to see such a flawless example, only to be acutely aware of my very own flaws. It grants me a closer connection to The Ideal and inspires me to aspire to be as such.

Bitter medicine is good medicine.

A generic statement.

By the Time, verily Man is in loss.

Except for those who believe and does righteous good deeds.

And invites one another to the Truth and invites one another to the Patience.



Its quite a simple way to live by, just be Good. There is no solid definition for this, but I believe it lies in our core to be that way. Like, there is a small voice that always tell us what is the right way to be, in our actions or words. But that voice seems to be drowned by the sound of thought and the weighing of pros and cons and all the little thoughts that make up our decisions.


Yet it is so difficult?

I am sleepy and the sound of me typing seems a wee bit too loud.

I am hungry and food would require effort to be prepared.

I am tired and my body is wishing for a good long rest.

I am alone and my thoughts are whirling about in my head.

I am contented and Life has been kind in its recent unwinding.

I am conscious and memories play back like an old movie.

I am aware and my mistakes are but lessons in disguise.

I am open and advice is taken freely without any ill-feeling.

I am awake and suddenly it comes to me.

_____________________________________

Sometimes, all it takes its a simple reminder;

a handful of words carelessly or carefully picked, perfect in combination and endless in its portents.

Needless to say, I make plenty of mistakes;

some I am not proud of, understandably, but worst even, those of which I am unaware of.

Thankfully, I have been blessed with openness;

openness to accept words kind and unkind, occurrences fortunate and unfortunate.

_____________________________________

I am happy and thankful to be reminded, but once the dust settles down, I am suddenly all to conscious of my previous actions, suddenly I am brought back to a day or two, a week, sometimes a month, and I am recollecting as to where I have gone wrong, where and how did the fault come about. Have I been doing something wrong all this while? Curiously, the flow of thoughts seem to take a nanosecond and yet, it goes so far. I am fearful and seek repentance, I become painfully aware of my mistakes and it strikes a revealing strike and leaves me vulnerable. I scramble towards a buoy to save myself and I take a moment to recollect myself. Silence comes as a shade and I ponder in silent recollection and reflection. I realize the what, how and why and I sigh, of relief and of solemn acceptance of fault. Who is to be blamed but myself. Deep breaths accompany regret and slowly, peace returns to my heart. I am aware and enlightened, I see within myself a change stemming from realization, acceptance and determination. Instead of looking back, I look forward, to the days, weeks and months hopefully ahead, and I smile. Light has shone upon the shadowed pathway once more and I am relieved. Mistakes occur, undeniably, and I look at them with a bitter-sweet emotion, relived that I am aware of them, yet saddened that I have to make one to realize something within.

_____________________________________

All it takes is a simple reminder.

(as I typed this, my mind has entered a semi-dream state and my senses are heightened to an unusually abnormal level, it scares me, everything seems too loud, too far, too bright and right as this very moment, I am fending off the fear to just shut down my computer. the noise, it drowns the deafening silence that wraps around me , every action I make seem like an effort. this semi-dream state is frightening, my nightmare come to life, a form of heightened reality that I have to sometimes live with. 

Oh Life.)

Logic is a mental derivative function that utilizes empirical evidence such as facts or valid assumptions based on observations and/or factors already known and accounted for.

The whole basis of Logic is that it functions on information either acquired or deduced.

Hence, if there is no such information, logic cannot apply as thought would not occur.

Thus, if it is written that 'that ye know not', logic can no longer follow. And thus, why we Submit.

Blank.

sin·cere  

/sinˈsi(ə)r/

Adjective Free from pretense or deceit; proceeding from genuine feelings. (of a person) Saying what they genuinely feel or believe; not dishonest or hypocritical.

Sincerity is the value that is most difficult to acquire. 

It eludes the hearts of Men like a bird flitting through the branches, and even if it is present, without proper care, it is quick to evaporate, much like a drop of dew in early morning. Hard to get, harder to keep.

Alas, for all that it is worth, it is the Key. It is the 1% that is needed for it to be 100%.

And best of all, it is one of the deepest secret that we have within ourselves. One we cannot describe or prove to others, it merely is and no other should be the judge of that.

My young ears have been fortunate to have heard the words spoken by sages and I recall one saying that the purest form of Sincerity is to expect Nothing At All In Return. Now that I look back, I realize that if that is the purest level, surely there will be lower forms of it to exist within our hearts and in our actions. I worry greatly, and take great care when it comes to Sincerity. Out of the many values that Islam teaches, I value Sincerity most highly. What is a deed done if it is not sincere? The very thought of a deed's accountability affects the sincerity of the deed itself. 

Sincerity is tightly linked to Ni'at. 

As such, both form a portion of the core of our actions. Such a fundamental aspect, one that I am very conscious of. I strive for it, silence is a great companion and facilitator. My words may corrupt my Sincerity and so, silence is best. It is only for Him to know.

One thing leads to another, Sincerity leads to examination of Ni'at which leads to examination of Self which leads  to so many other things that my mind in this state is unable to completely view. Just too many.

Alas, Masy'Allah I am sobered by how beautiful Islam is.

It is a 

Full Circle

Behaviour

A rule of thumb : Do not look negatively at people, or even things for that matter.

I was taught to not judge people, for their appearance, their words, their actions, their behaviour. It was a difficult lesson, one that took many years to bear fruit. At times, we jump to conclusions, making conjectures regarding others based on the empirical evidence we gather from our interactions with them. This is natural. And as my father had once said, Natural does not mean its right. On the contrary, sometimes what we are naturally inclined to do are the complete opposite of right. Alas, this is a different story and I have digressed. When we have a pre-conceived idea of people based on our judgements, we tend to overlook on other aspects that might hint otherwise, or likewise. We have, concluded.

--------------------------------------------

I was taught to just accept things as they are, in any situation, be it bad or good, always to smile and take it as it is. Silence that urge to snap back, or make a judgement. It was difficult. I tried and I tried, to look at things square in the eye, and not let my heart fidget. I would say I was privileged to have been taught such a lesson, it teaches me to tolerate and be patient with things. Even now, at this prime age, where the confidence of youth and knowledge are ripe, it is ever more difficult. But alas, hardships bear the greatest lessons. Even now, I have a greater appreciation and understanding of this lesson taught many years back, it is simply to relent to God and accept fate as decreed. Oh the layers, how they peel as the years go by.

Despite this, it would be foolish to completely ignore the fact that behaviour is undeniably closely linked to what lies underneath, the Heart and the Mind. Behaviour is an expression of self, and how can one express that which is not true? Behaviour gives an indication of the health of the inner-being. 

Indication. Not a definition.

This is where the problem lie. What is self? We, including myself, only have a fraction of understanding of who we truly are, our self. How then can we say that we are expressing our self when we barely know it? Alas we arrive the fundamental obstacle with religion, knowing our self. A truly difficult lesson. Sages of past have said that in order to see one's self, one requires a mirror. Ancient phrases speak of a needed journey to discover one's inner-self, through experiential reflection. In both, we can see that this quest - to discover one's self; inevitably requires the aid of another, an instrument, a Teacher.

I am asleep.

It seems to me, that I have an almost insatiable hunger for knowledge.
I have never seemed to mind learning something new, just a matter of preference.
But eventually, what is knowledge without application?
It would be like a tree with its fruits so ripe, but never to be picked.
I have been told that there isn't a need to memorize many things,
but as it goes with whomever that said that, it is all a matter of interpretation.

'Its the questions we can't answer that teach us most. They teach us how to think. If you give a man an answer, all he gains is a little fact. But give him a question and he'll look for his own answers.'

There are many questions, and I am still looking.

deep in th stillness of night,
as people lay asleep in their beds,
an hour void of th din of life,
small thoughts swirl all around.

there is something to learn,
a lesson is always there, somewhere.
no thing is ever point-less,
it merely takes some time and effort,
before it can be found.

questions lead to further questioning,
why, what, how, who, when, all the same,
they propel th mind to seek answers,
answers that can only be sought after.

intellectual pursuit and enlightenment,
one precedes th other, dawn to dusk,
for betterment of mind and soul,
th much needed nourishment of th day.

think, for it leads to questions,
question, for it leads to answer,
answers, understand and accept them,
then, and only then, will you ever learn.

Thought.

Validation.

Approval.

Acceptance.

Encouragement.

Empowerment.

Renewal.

Vigour.

Determination.

Motivation.

At times,

We are faced with;

seemingly overwhelming odds, irresistible temptations, stubborn distractions and immovable laziness.

Often,

We tend to;

give up too quickly, give in without a fight, lose our focus and procrastinate for too long.

in·er·tia  

/iˈnərSHə/

Noun A tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged: "bureaucratic inertia". A property of matter by which it continues in its existing state of rest or uniform motion in a straight line, unless that state is...

Sometimes,

All we need is;

A little Push.

Thank you.

Sometimes we search and search for something, something we do not even know, just a desire to acquire something. Ephemeral or ever-lasting, it does not matter. We dedicate hours, days, lives in search of it, but we never find it. Some things are not meant to be searched, they are not found.

A tiny thought went through my mind yesterday. In our youth, we have the time and energy to pursue life, but we lack the time to. In our middle age, we have the money and the energy, but not the time. And lastly, when we are old, we have the money, the time, but sadly, not the energy. We are always lacking something in the pursuit of life. An asymptote in the graph that is Life. We can only approach it to such a degree, so close, but still, it will never be. We will never get it, chasing shadows. That was how my cousin put it. Life is like our own shadow, no matter how fast we run, no matter how we twist and turn, it always be beyond our grasp. Instead, we should turn towards the Light, pursue the Light instead. No one said it was not possible, but often we get distracted by the little things. See, once we chase the light, our shadow will follow suit. As such, so will life pursue us, as a distraction, a temptation, a hindrance, an obstacle, in our pursuit of enlightenment.
Such are the trials of this life on Earth. The simpler they are, the more deceivingly dangerous they are. You want that ice cream? Oh, but if you do, there won't be time for Asar. You want to take a walk? Zuhur is ending soon. Out with friends? We have just entered Maghrib.

I think I am very very grateful to have friends who are non-muslims but yet still understand when I tell them I have to do something, for Islam. They would nod, smile and encourage me to carry on. Alhamdulillah. There are the type of people whose minds God have blessed to be open, to be receptive towards Islam. Alhamdulillah. They will ask and I will answer, and if I am unable to, it will compel me to find out. Alas, how can ignorance be granted? As I walked to the masjid as azan Maghrib was recited loud over the microphone, echoing around the vicinity, I looked within myself, and asked, 'how can anyone ignore the call to God, when it is so wonderful and beautiful?' I teared. Alhamdulillah.

We live in a world where Islam has been distorted, repressed, suppressed and ignored. Though we may simply say it is the fault of the non-believers, I stand to say that is also our fault, the believers, for standing tall and firm when our religion is compromised. Secular? Modern? I am not too sure that such terms exist, that religion is something that can be compromised. It all boils down to a simple desire of adherence, or ignorance. Such is the nature of temptation in our current age, and I fear that it is a temptation that will seduce a great many of us.

Alas, the hour is late, I have missed the Hour. Till then.

I need a teacher.

Often, I catch myself asking many questions, regarding the many things around me. Behaviour, actions, mechanisms, structures, systems and nature itself. Most of the questions usually revolve around a simple question, 'why?'. 

I was once interviewed by a professor a few years back, and he asked me, 'what is the value you value most?'. After some thought, I answered 'Understanding.' My reasoning was because once we have an understanding regarding something, it would allow us to have a clearer picture to the reasons for such things. My logic was simple, if we understand the reason behind something, we can rationalize OUR actions or thinking towards it, be it to consider it right or wrong, and such implications can extend towards our tolerance of such thing, our preference of such thing, and even our desire for such things. 

Take for example, religion. People follow the practices they see, a matter of mimicking an observation in their environment, from friends and family. It would be grossly shameful for me to even think whether or not this is not ideal, for alas who am I to judge. But back to the matter, if we understand the practices and lessons and values of a religion, and it is undeniably correct, would any sane person reject it? There is a verse that I cannot recall entirely, but of which the gist states that blessings are to be given to the learned. Why? Upon the journey of knowledge, we will eventually be shone the truth of things, and when one partakes in such a journey, it is not only to discover knowledge, but just as importantly, it is also to discover oneself. Upon seeing the truth of things, will one not be enlightened? And thus, blessed are they of the learned for they will definitely have discovered God. It is becoming ever more difficult to find avenues where such questions regarding religion can be quenched. Difficult, yes, but infinitely rewarding I trust. Alas, I am far from understanding of my religion, I am but a mere sapling, seeking the Light to nourish my existence. It gives me the shivers (Literally, it just did) when I think of how my time is spent, not on this journey of discovery but on other things, and I fear for my very existence. MasyAllah. 

I am displeased with myself, but I want and will make amendments.

The silent hour of night holds me steady.

I am not sure if it is the amplified sound of each and every key that I type, or the echoing silence in the atmosphere, but whichever it is, it rings in my head, ominous and tiring, all mine.

While many sleep, they say this is the best time to be awake. Like traffic during the day, it is so hard to go about. But once night comes by, swings by and all sway to its call, alas, it is empty once more.

The irony, no thoughts swirl by behind my eyes, no burden hefting its weight, no worry pressing for attention, no problem seeking a solution, it is a blissful emptiness that resides within.

Within that emptiness, lies a secret held within myself. No words are necessary for this communing, merely an awareness and an intention. Like the wind whispering inaudible tales.

No concept of time bind me to reality, floating by in a dreamlike state, going by as I please, doing as I please, actions with no consequence to others but myself, on a whim, simply because.

I come and I go as I please, mercurial.

In the quiet of the night, when things become deafeningly silent, and your mind's thundering with thoughts that prevent you from sleeping, I want you to remember that my voice is only eight digits away.

In the stillness of your bed, where all is static and unmoving, and you feel that you're the only one there, all alone wrapped in your blanket, I want you to remember that I am always with you, by your side.

In the non-stop whirring of your thoughts, from A to Z they whiz by, when you feel that they are becoming overwhelming and seem to exert their effects onto you, I want you to remember that I am always here, a listening ear.

I strive to be the best for you,

but my failures seem to be more significant.

My heart in my throat,

I look back and feel disappointed in myself.

Anger gels with sadness,

but the emotions in you take precedence.

I want to take care of you,

and I really do, I mean what I say.

All I can ask and hope for,

is that you will give me another chance.

...... ... .. . .. . . .. .... .. .. ... .. .. ... ... .. .... ... .. . ... ... .. .... .. . ..

I always tell you that I have voices in my head that express their disappointment or anger at me when I have done something wrong, my story being me doing Math in secondary school. I take it as a good sign that as I made my long walk back home, past the blocks and up the bridge, my inner voice was blasting me non-stop.

I have been selfish, as I said, always making you feel guilty for wanting something which I don't, I regret that. I have been tactless, for not seeing how my words were affecting you, how your eyes dip down when I talk.

I say this with a very heavy heart, and I mean every word that I say, I am sorry, I seek your forgiveness and I hope that you can give me one more chance to redeem my words. My inner voice only comes out when it senses that I am doing something wrong when I should be doing it right. You. I want to make you right, and that is why my inner voice has spoken, cos I have not been doing so, and right now, I really want to. Please.

... . .. .. . ... . .. . . .. . . . . .. .. . . .... ... ... ... . . ... . ... .... ... ... .. ..

A tree.

All things begin with a seed.

Be it animal or plant, we all have similar beginnings.

But what differs us all is how we grow, and change with time.

Like rivers, we meander through time, weaving through obstacles here and there.

It shapes us, makes us who we are, but really, does our environment influence our change?

Looking back, change has been a passive, it is acted upon, something we do actively.

Men, we are volatile, like a river, we can either bend to the world, or we go headstrong.

I am but a mere sapling, still young and naive, with many years to go ahead of me (Hopefully!)

But even now, when I look around, I see the people around me succumbing to the dark world

A melancholic wind whispers its sad tune to me, but it motivates me to remain as I am.

Some lessons in life can be learnt from just observing that which God has made, untouched.

Look at the simple tree, it is everywhere.

A tree begins with a seed.

Just as all things do.

That seed will receive

like all, the necessary.

However, interestingly,

all trees, no matter what

environment or nutrition,

will always grow towards

the light that enlightens it.

It can be battered by the

world, by others and what not,

but it remains constant and grows

towards that which it deems most vital.

The light that enlightens and gives growth.

They say as we grow up, we change, we change.

Lets look at the fundamentals, our character and values.

They say as we mature, we understand better and change.

However, is that really ideal? The tree grows the same type of leaves,

ever since day one, till the day it dies, it has the same trunk and type of leaves.

The years simply allow it to be stronger, healthier, better, but nonetheless, still the same.

But alas, the tree is made perfect for its being a tree, and thus, it has no need to change, but merely to adapt.

I guess, the issue at hand is to ensure that our very fundamentals are correct before we make a change within

I sincerely hope that my fundamentals and values have been correct, cause some say that I have not changed

I pray that it is, for if it so, I know now that all Time can do for me is to make me into a better person in time.

Insyallah.

and as trees go, even in shadow, they move towards the light,

I hope that we move to the light too, I will do my best to do so

1 + 1 = 2
2 + 2 = 4

Simple.

ax^2 + bx + c = 0
where (b^2 - 4ac)^1/2 > 0
hence x = (-b +/- (b^2 - 4ac)^1/2)/2a

Still simple enough.

Emotional turmoil
'No, its just unfair for you then'
Empty words and untrue assumptions

This is where shit gets messy.

As hot tears flow out, a coolness settles over the heart, like earth deprived of water, it hardens and cracks.

We absorb what we choose to hear, read and see. Logical deduction follows, and the outcome, our understanding of the matter, is essentially the product of our own choices. But the heart doesn't abide by the same process. It feels what it feels, it doesn't have to have a reason to, it just does. We naturally associate our emotions with our thoughts, justifying how we are feeling with reasons. It is an ethereal invisible and almost indiscernible link, but sometimes, there is a difference. We feel what we feel, and sometimes, there are no reasons for it, we need no reasons for it.

and I have been told, no matter what the clash is between our mind and our heart, always listen to the heart. I pride myself to be a man of logic, and ironically, I adhere to that saying strongly. Irony carries with it a a
negative connotation, but this is far from negative. We don't understand why, but I know it to be otherwise. It being spoken by a sage may be why.

we all have secrets,

like the corners of a room, inevitably cast in shadow.

some, we share among the closest, others we leave open, a question away.

and a few that we keep behind lock and key, thrown deep into the sea.

late at night, 

our thoughts travel far and wide, and wriggle deep down even.

tight lipped, brows furrowed and eyes either closed or open, distant.

they unravel for us to see what is reflected in the heart.

the cup is full,

filled to the brim with anger, fear and anxiety.

it weighs heavily on the mind, we enter a ponderous sleep.

there, our mind seeks to make sense of all and the result?

Dreams.

I lay awake, thinking of you thinking.
Its a troubling thing to think of,
But, an essential one, one in dire thought.
Thinking allows us to process, to weigh our decisions, rationallity and irrationality.
However, did God not put the human soul prior to letting the mind work?
Sometimes, no, often, I wonder. How would we be if we let our hearts rule our lives, it will be simpler, imperfect, but definitely sincere.
Our heart is from Him, and He knows best, for indeed, if we remember Him, He will remember us, and all shall be arranged.
An eternal internal war is being waged, between the heart and the mind, and I know for a fact, that no matter what, the heart must be the victor. My heart goes out to you oh reader, listen to my words and that it may bring you peace of mind and of heart :)

Today I remembered th reason to why I used to not show emotion.

a concrete face, a stone heart, an icy gaze,
They were my arms when facing moments when emotional breakdown would spell disaster. A quick, unfeeling and logical mind. Today I remembered why I had actually put it effort to sharpen the ability to remove myself from emotional attachment. Self control, patience and power. Today, I witnessed the weakness of emotional expression;

the seething teeth, the shivering arms, the stuttering and excessively loud tone. The raging fury that clouds your logic and sense, your awareness to reason and error. Silence, a nod here and there, the cool gaze that stares at your blood shot eyes. Oh what an illusion.

Respect, empathy and peace.

I don't understand what my body goes through, my vision sharpens, I see every detail, my peripherals extend, your tone, the environment, your actions, everything seems clearer. You grow distant, the room seems larger and you move further away. My body tenses ever so slightly, my muscles swollen with blood and fury. My lips are pursed, my eyes always looking straight into yours. Slow and deep breaths, my voice deepens when I speak, slow and calm. My mind not simply focused on the current scenario, playing multiple possible scenarios at once, my answers, curt, logical and unfeeling, quiet in my mind. You say I assume, yes you are correct. Let me finish. But, no. Its not worth it, yes, I am wrong and yes I show a lack of responsibility. Yes you are right. But your assumptions to why, I'm sorry to say, you're wrong. I like my job, I care for my men, for you however, not so much.

Simple as that.

'Is it a mistake if you don't regret it?'

My eyes are warm, its a sign that they are tired.
My body aches, its a sign that its are tired.
My head hurts, its a sign that its tired.

visible. What about the invisible?

we often find ourselves in situations where we are unable to voice our opinions, emotions and retorts. we hold them back, keep them in, often with the comfort that its not worth it. Sure, you can do that, but eventually, surely, one day, you will feel like letting it all go, just one unfortunate crack and its all out, gushing out with all the fury of pent up emotions. release. we feel bad, but we feel good. deep down, we know that until that has happened, there will always be something within us that swirls and makes a nest in our mind, occupying our thoughts and our heart. sometimes, what we really need is just release. however, the reluctance, the condition that allows for this is one that we rarely come by. as humans do, we seek comfort in others, they become our avenues of release, our emotional jars where the hurt, pain, anger, shame, fear and hope simply go to. where do they come from, these pillars of support?

Thank you.

In life, we meet many people, some, like the trees that we pass by day to day, providing shade when we are there, and are just, passing by. then, there are those that are like the comfortable feel of something familiar. they are the treasure of human relations, the people (not necessarily person) that is there for you, there to hear you out, there to tell you off, there to need you, there to be merry, there to be sad, the people that are always there. it takes time, time strains all things, and as it goes, when something recovers from strain, it becomes stronger. a simple but reliable test, time.

Death.

I see you in every waking hour, the sun that lightens the world, the evening wind that chills my spine. you are a bittersweet companion that accompanies me in all my journey. I have yet to know you as well, and as such, i am still reluctant to embrace you. For now, we shall remain as acquaintances and you shall be there to remind me of that which i must always remember.

Myself.

we hear so many voices in our life, telling us to do this and that,
sometimes, we must silent them and listen closely to only one,
the voice of our heart always ring true but is often ignored.
know yourself, know your heart, and it will always speak to you.

I dream big.
The bigger they are, the higher the risks, the harder the obstacles, the longer it takes.
But it all boils down to the niat, the intention behind it.
If its good, the Universe will ensure that you will be tested before it can be achieved.
Why? Because only if you persevere and fight for your dreams do you deserve it.
The secret to achieving success is simple, effort and doa, prayers.
With that, I pray to You, God, give me that which I desire,
and should you not, give me the strength to accept that which you have decided for me,
I relent, for indeed, you are the All-Knowing, All-Understanding.

the slow rise of the edges of your mouth,
the world coming to a stop and time slows down,
the quiet silence that envelopes.

the quivering stillness of shut lips,
the world reverberating the echo in your thoughts,
the bitter quiet that haunts.

a smile adorns the face of the pained,
a silent breath follows that smile after,
a slow blink with glitters and shadow,
a shadow seen in the presence of light.

In the purest form of sincerity, that which is given, is given freely, with no demand or request for payment or reward. That, is sincerity. No reason is needed, reason implies thought, and thought is a request of the mind to justify the actions of the heart, and that, diminishes sincerity. We pay no heed and smile in the dark, in our heart. No announcement, exclamation or boast. A simple contentment, and that is all. Simple? I think not.

we close our eyes and drift to sleep, our mind, it wanders to thoughts left behind.
what we dream, we feel and we see, emotions, sensations, and chemical reactions.
we don't choose what we dream, guided by unseen forces, told by unheard voices.
what is it that we dream of, seemingly random, but we know deep down it isn't.
we see objects, places, people. and it all seems so real, this indoor cinema we are.

I am a dreamer. my mind is hardly ever silent, ever active, especially at night.
they say our mind is most active when we are asleep, i don't doubt that.
They come and go, sometimes one, sometimes many, just waltzing through my mind.
pieces of my reality here and there, with a pinch of desire here and there.
I need to dream, it calms the swirl of thoughts that reside, and lets the heart take over.
maybe that's why when you try to understand your dreams with thought, it doesn't work.
Yet you know inside, inside, something clicked and there it is, understanding.

I aspire to be a Man of Science, of hypothesis, theories and Logic.
I aspire to be a Man of Religion, of faith, submission and God.

I realize this dichotomy can only be fully realized if I hurl myself fully into both.
A wise man once told me, scientists today are on the right track, they just tend to stop midway.
I hope to God that I will one day be a scientist, and a good one at that.
For my hope in today's world is slowly dwindling away and it must be renewed.
And I know, somehow deep down, I will be, and hopefully, "All iz well."

I live in the present and enjoy the present, I don't think,
Its a fault of mine, its what I do.
It makes me smile, I hope it does you too.

Equilibrium, is it so hard to achieve?
sometimes, we want more of something, but that doesn't mean that its wrong does it?
wanting more is fine. what matters is how much more. this is where there arises some concerns.
you see, greed, this scumbag part of humans to always want more, the temptation, to desire for more than necessary, to never be contented with what we have, is a real shit when it comes to ruining the human spirit.
it drives us, motivates us, but almost inevitably, we will surpass the line which says 'stop here' and shit goes down, in a spiral. I don't get it. its a disease right there, this attachment we have with worldly possessions. it distorts our sense of appreciation and other crap. everytime i think of how the world functions on greed, how the guy with the thicker wallet tends to get what he wants, it sickens me. it repels me. shit i don't want more money, but sadly, its a world where money truly is the oil that hinges the gears of society, and even nations. fuck that shit.

no. what we need is equilibrium.

I believe I am a strange young man. Sometimes, I feel young, thoughtless and reckless, out to have fun. Others, I feel old, almost ancient, clear headed and not at all bogged down by this miniature Life. However, there are those times where I am suddenly in a swirl, neither old nor young, phasing in and out, somewhere in between. I am pretty sure if anyone can read my mind, they would be rather... confused. The reason may be because I have stopped, a while ago, to think. A natural process, but no, this does not mean that I do not think, I merely don't allow this shallow and limited logical process to reign supreme over me. Instead, I listen to the whispering Heart. My father once questioned, one of concern, What do we do if there is a conflict between the two? The answer was simple. There will always be a conflict, but no matter what, always listen to the latter. Simple, yet deceivingly difficult. At times, I feel that I am a lie. A contradiction. But that is the very nature of this path, it sends shivers of fear down my spine, yet gives me the simplest and most sincere of happiness. Possibly the hardest thing that is tied to the simplest of things is to face yourself, to know every facet of your being, your character, your beliefs and your thoughts. This seems to be the hardest thing to do in this era. Now, people want to be someone else, live another life. In this age of wanton desire and greed, we lose ourselves. That is where we all go wrong. Every day I am learning about myself. My thoughts feed this journey to disobey them, a paradox. In the end, we all submit to the grander scheme of things, for what do we know, we know nothing. That is where my thought ends, when it realizes its non-existence.

qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm

The lights go dark and I'm left all alone,

here in the dark, my thoughts they roam.

Memories, emotions, they seem to be one,

as I mingle in between and among them.

No thought comes to mind, yet, 

the mind goes to all that's thought.

We see ourselves, deaf and blind,

no, not through the sights and sounds.

We see ourselves, naked and bare,

for one can never lie to The One out there.

A shiver runs down my spine and everything stops,

alas, it is time for me to dream.

This concern they have for me, I wonder why. I guess its natural for them to 'watch out' for me, but they are blissfully unaware of what goes on in there, in the mind and in the heart. With heart in throat, I assess their choices, their reasoning, the outcome. I guess its natural for them to think as such, their thoughts in the same general direction. I am not invincible, for all that I do, I am merely human, and humans feel. I deny my emotions, yes, I deny my heart. They say to take care of my own, but I deny it. It cannot be. I have trained, yes, consciously trained, with time and effort, to still the emotional swirl that exists in the heart. No, that is wrong, indeed. I have trained rather to not let the emotional swirl to affect me. To rise above this human nature. It is unnatural, but I go down this path for my own sake. Heck, the ones that I show are the ones that most easily understood, happiness and anger. Why? Because I see no point in the rest, think and it will be clear to you as it became clear to me. But it seems that I've grown complacent, maybe. Their words, they slither and plant themselves in my mind, be it firmly or loosely, it doesn't matter. I grow weary of thinking, for years, I have thought so much, thinking it is the wise thing to do, but alas, I have learnt, to think, that will only work so much. Sometimes, we must let it play out, things will happen as they do, if they don't, there is only one to blame. Relent and accept. Listen to the heart, ignore the ever on-going conflict between the heart and the mind. Simple, but oh so difficult. People think too much. I try not to, but inevitably, people think for me and here I am, in this predicament that I have sought to evade. Why oh why. Heart in throat, I consider and weigh out. Even then, I listen to the most subtle of messages of my heart. Why? Because that is the correct way.

I seek from You as others do, 

for clarity of thought, 

of the mind 

and of the heart. 

For I am lost without You.

They say, in time, all shall be revealed.
Thinking is and will always take too much effort.
Sometimes, what we seek, what we want, what we have, is not what we need.
So what then gives us what we need, and how?
A better question yet, how do we know what we need?
With so many things presented to us, sometimes, thinking merely hinders the process.
One moment, one insight, is all we need.
We can only supplicate and hope we know.
With enough conviction and faith, it will come to us, one way or another.

... .. . . .. . .. . .. . .. .. .. ... . . .. . . . . .. .. . .. ... .. ... .. . . . . .. ... . . . ... . . . .. . .. .. .

I hear my heart pounding in my chest,
blood rushing through my veins,
skin sheening with beads of perspiration.

My head hurts,
My heart hurts,
but it is all okay.

Cos for a moment, one moment,
in a day of 24 hours, 86 400s,
I stop thinking, and all is fine.

All that I feel is me,
aware of my existence,
the world stops, I am alive.

I feel small, oh so small.
All that I am, a mere gift.
My breath, my life.

My mind is at peace,
my heart is at peace,
and all is fine.
___________________________

It seems like an eternity since I last wrote down my thoughts here, ho dayum.

There is no point in trying to fill up the gaps in time for it has been too long and this would be a terribly wordy and lengthy post! Instead, I shall, as I always have, write whatever that pops into my head.

It seems that as the days go by, be it those with many things to do or those where I just laze around, I am slowly and definitely changing. To what, I am not exactly sure, but how, I think I have a better clue. As to whether it is good or bad, that.. is entirely subjective. In my opinion, it seems like the change that I've always known will come. As the way things are in the world, there are pros and cons. The cons have surfaced and they are evidently cons, the emotions they stir in others, the actions that entails, the talk, the silence, and most importantly, the lack of such within me. With that, I have stated what I deem to be a pro that comes with this not-very-slight paradigm shift that I have adopted. Essentially, that is the change.

To say that I have lots to say, is a lie. But I do have plenty of thoughts. Very plenty.

For someone who has schooled his facial expression to not show much emotion, I seem to have lost this ability, and frankly, I'm quite disappointed in myself for that. I rarely show other emotions apart from happiness, but it seems that nowadays, there are others like disappointment, sadness, anger and jealousy, or whatever. I deem them unnecessary, as if they're excess baggage, not to me, but to others. I don't fully understand why but yeah, I just think like that. Now, whenever I feel other emotions apart from happiness, it seems as if it would just appear on my face and people would worry or start wondering why. I'm not that a retard to keep all of them to myself, there are a select few of which I pour out my emotions to, but it seems now that even a passer-by may see it. This frustrates me. Its not that I mean to portray a stoic appearance or anything of that sort, I just don't like to. By nature, I don't like to burden people, so maybe that has a part to play in this peculiar mindset of mine. Furthermore, myself being a person that expresses myself more comfortably in words, I realize that sometimes, there is a dilemma of sorts in truly expressing myself, a clash between whether I want whoever I'm speaking to to get what I think or feel, or to just keep it to myself and not bother the person. The core of this dilemma lies in the fact that I want this person to get me, without making it too obvious. Its true, I'm a difficult person sometimes, I layer my words with words and eventually, it all gets lost, but yeah, that is me. Looking at this whole thing now, I realize that it is a minute issue, but oh well, I have to say something, no matter how insignificant it is or nonsensical. Goodnight.

15 weeks, that's 105 days. I had to use a calculator to find that out, that can only mean one thing, its a large number. HUNDRED AND FIVE DAYS. That's how long I've been with my mates, NS 01, from day one to POP. Indeed it has been a roller coaster ride for all of me, for all of us, with all the squabbles we had, all the laughter we shared, all the grueling hours of training we endured together... Strong bonds were forged with these 33 people, especially so for the nine who stayed in the same bunk as me. Damn, its getting emotional over here. For all the times of us complaining for time to go by faster, when I look back now, I wish it could be slowed down more. Upon our passing out, I doubt I could meet up with all of them, I think i'll be lucky if I even manage to meet up with those I'm close to! Although last Friday was a joyous occasion for all of us, deep inside me, behind all the smiles and laughter, a small part of me was tearing slightly. Really. Although we have only known each other for a relatively short time, I am proud to say that some of these people are really some of the best people I've met, a real embodiment of the term friend. I can't really describe how I feel when I think of them, the friendship we have, maybe because my literary skills have taken a beating from such a long hiatus, but I can assure you that it is sincere and true. Damn, I will miss them crazy people. I'm a sucker for goodbyes.

To be so near, yet so far.
Present, but not available.
To yearn for presence, only to be saddened by absence.
Succumbing to circumstantial conditions that just, inhibits.
This sinking feeling of sadness, so long have I not felt your chilling touch.
Th gagging in the throat, a rise in temperature, eyes feeling teary and hot.
A long blink, and vision is blurred by minute tears.
Th agonizing sensation that overwhelms the heart.
Th slow deep breaths that ensue, with much deliberation.
A tremble from deep within, ending with shivers all along.

Oh how I miss you so.

In camp, we have this monthly talk for Muslims by this dude. A simple guy, who used to be in police too, just like us, middle-aged and slightly round. However, what is most unique and worthy of mention regarding this guy is that he chose to pursue a life of religious pursuits, both in academics and lifestyle, a rare sight in todays society of materialism and whatnot. His purpose is to simply guide us back to th path, should we have strayed from it, or to strengthen th faith of others. He tells us of stories and experiences he had, simple ones, heavily founded on morals yet strongly linked to Islam. One can always say that good morals and such are attributes of most religions, yet he is somehow able to discern and distinguish between Islam and other religions, through his in-depth knowledge as well as memorization of particular verses from the Al-Quran that just seems to fit each and every topic touched or question raised by any of us. I've heard many people preach about Islam, yet he is subtly but profoundly different from the rest of them. His words, which may be spoken out of humour even, are able to strike a cord in me. When others are laughing or dozing off, I am found listening very closely to them. Like a masterful artist, he is able to blend humour and lessons into a single form where it is both appealing yet holds a much greater meaning to it. Be it that he is a simple or great man, what matters is that he is beautiful in the inside, and i am truly grateful to God for allowing my life to be touched by this man. Just needed to express my gratitude. Alas, all is takes is a single drop to cause ripples throughout a whole pond.

my personal statement, I don't know how to feel about it. its supposed to highlight my academic interest and intellectual capacity. OH WELL.



In the 2nd year of Junior College, I was involved heavily in many sports competitions, 2 at national levels, the National Schools Sports Climbing Competition (NSSCC) in 2010 and the National A Divisions Cross Country as well  as 4 others that are recognized locally and internationally. As such, much of my time after curriculum hours as well as weekends are spent at school trainings and personal training. Albeit, the sacrifice I made was worth it as I managed to emerge as champion for one of the 4 competitions, namely Pumpfest 2010 as well as the silver award for speed team and Overall Best School in NSSCC 2010.

I have always been and always will be, a devoted sportsmen, yet I am also one that prides myself in my academics. Throughout the year, I was stretched for time while balancing academics and sports. However, being in my final year where opportunities for competing were dwindling, I made a risky decision to prioritize competitions for the first half of the year and believe in my intellectual capacity as well as passion for academics to drive me for the extremely vital second half where exams and much stress would come upon me. I am passionate for Biology and despite that decision, I made it a resolution to ensure that my Biology grades remain at least a B and I am proud to say that I fulfilled that resolution. Most of my teachers saw it as an unweighted decision on my part and decided to let me be. Knowing myself to be a high calibre student, I chose not to let their disapproval affect me. However, they were a handful who had faith in me. They believed I knew what I was doing and this simple gesture was what drove me during the difficult times.

It was during the A levels results day that I was able to prove to many of my teachers otherwise by doing exceptionally well for my A levels by getting 6 Distinctions. Given my passion and perseverance, I strongly believe that if i were given the right opportunities, I would be able to harness my potential and excel.

Life.

There are some people in this world, whom whenever you meet them, or even just intend to meet them, will make you realize what kind of person you are, all the deeds you've done, be it the good, or the bad, and just open your eyes to see who you are. A strange feeling overwhelms me whenever I meet such people, suddenly, I feel ashamed, for whoever I will meet, these people, they are the best of people, not in appearance or status, but of character, be it kindness, patience, or tolerance and here I am, someone who clearly knows that sometimes, what I do is wrong, and yet, continue to do so. I feel dirty, impure, contaminated with whatever the world has tempted me with. Then I ponder on more than the world, about Death and the Afterlife. How, how can I meet with my Creator, when even with the people whom he has blessed I am already ashamed to meet?

Heart in throat, thats what I felt. I am grateful that I am able to have such experiences, happy to say that I have to capacity to realize such things and a simple wish that I will better myself with each experience.

MAN, you really only know the value of some things only till you lose it, like th comfort of your bed, th comfort of waking up late during th day, th comfort of hot showers and even th simple comfort of good tasting Milo that i've been served all my life! As you can already deduce, my life has taken a rather drastic renovation, widely known to all male Singaporeans above th age of 18 as NATIONAL SERVICE. I am now bald, black, and definitely getting fitter, and I'm not complaining, its a breath of fresh air that I like actually. I've only served a mere 10 days out of th one YEAR and ten MONTHS I owe the nation and already I sense a difference in me.

Th 10 days have had a profound impact in me, despite its short duration, I have forged a strong bond with my squad, relinquishing the individualistic feelings we have and attaining a more rewarding 'we' instead of 'me', and especially so with my bunkmates with whom I will be staying with for at least 3 months. They're a bunch of cool people I tell you, sometimes we share moments where only we get it, and damn, its really mind-numbingly funny. The 10 of us, 7 of which are Malay and 3 others being Chinese, HAHA! These 10 days is our confinement week in which as th name states, we're confined for 10 days straight, unable to book out during weekends, supposedly a rather tough time, hah. And true that, we did get a lot of drilling, scolding, punishments and pumping, emotions were high on some occasions but we always had to remind ourselves that we must always think as a group and things would settle down, more or less. One for all, all for one, simple rule, live by it and its all good, or all bad, choose one. Thankfully most of my squad mates are cooperative and believe in being a single unit, so its all good! Another thing from th 10 days is th experience of communal living, damn its a good feeling! Wake up every morning you pass by your 'neighbours' and we all still in mid slumber, eyes half open make our way slowly to the toilet to wash/freshen up, that is until someone shouts 'HURRY UP ITS ALMOST TIME!' then as if by magic, you see everyone rushing around, as if time was fast forwarded to twice its normal speed and BOOMZ! We're all in our formation awaiting instructions, and thats how a typical day begins, at 5am. Then later at night, you see us in our shorts with slippers and a singlet on, walking around, cleaning our bunks, or on th floors polishing our boots or just resting and talking rubbish with each other. Time slows down at night, its a good way to wind down! Yeah, I can get used to this for awhile more... And then theres th singing while we're bathing, its like a mini Singapore Idol between th cubicles I tell you! Haha! Thankfully, theres 2 of us that can sing, so its quite nice sometimes, before everyone joins in, and just becomes a din. What goes on in between these two occurences are too various to say, but I have essentially summarized it by saying that its always a 'we' and not 'me' and that takes shape in many forms, during our drills, during PT, during lessons and even when we're just sitting down doing nothing awaiting instructions. Magic word : Discipline.

Alright, Ima sleep now.

I was having a conversation with someone.

They say you should love God, but before you love anything, you must KNOW about that thing, right? Know what are the qualities of that thing that make you love that thing. And before THAT, you must know yourself, know what are the things that you love, so that you may find it somewhere else. So here I am, wondering, in the wee hours of the night, typing away my thoughts as they come, sometimes like a crawl through the mud, slow and arduous, full of effort, others as effortlessly as water flowing. Do I know myself? Thats a question I've always pondered time and again. It may sound absurd but personally, I think its a very important question. You gotta know yourself so that when you decide on something, you are fully away of your undertaking of whatever you chose. I talk, a lot. However, whenever I'm silent, I realize my thoughts are always swirling around a few significant things, and the many branches that are linked to them, namely Life, Death and God. Theres a saying that goes something along the lines of 'A person is truly himself when he is alone.'

I am drowning my thoughts in music, my eyes are closed and the music swallows me whole. This is a good feeling.

I am small, on a tricycle, cycling around th carpark in th dark of night, all alone, strangely unafraid as I discover strange things at every corner, a shadow trailing me as I meander through all th corners.

I am medium, walking on a crowded street, looking for something I didn't know, just pushing through th crowd, and finally found it, my brother and father, by this shop, looking at a single man in blue shirt, big, black and bald, yet somehow familiar. My dad's excited, saying 'its him! its him!' He turns, and he smiles, his eyes a glint that is so familiar it immediately connects. A sigh of relief and we just watch as he disappears into th crowd, his size an illusion in this fog of life. My wallet slips out and a single coin rolls out awkwardly on th floor, suddenly an empty circle, I pick it up.

I am large, in a crowded mosque, taking off my shoes and taking ablution when I suddenly realized I'm just wearing shorts. Weird, I clearly remembered wearing long pants, and I start to search for it, but is unable to find it. I panic and call out to my friends. Suddenly, we're in taxi and I'm wearing long pants, there is a lady, a mother of one of my friends, th taxi driver makes a turn and we wonder where we're going. He points out this mosque, not th one we're from and we just accept it. Th mosque reverberates a strange vibe, I knew theres something wrong, I recognize the mosque, and asks my friend if I'm right, I am. Its a strange mosque, but we had to attend prayers which was starting soon, and we just went ahead. The taxi driver parks th taxi in front of an alley, with an archway which was strangely ancient with mold and signs of erosion, and under a large shadow which is from an unknown source.

Then I woke up. Tiring.
Seemingly a random dream, but these kinda long and vivid dreams usually aren't. Somewhere in that mess, is a message for me, for something I've done.

Sometimes, the lips do not speak what the mind intends to convey, what more our actions, which are open to more interpretation and along the way, may be distorted and perceived in a different light that the true intentions are completely lost? Yet, how else can we communicate with others? I've always tried to convey my thoughts as clearly as possible, with words and actions, from intonation to gestures, but as always, and inevitably, things don't go as planned. People misinterpret and get upset or hurt. Truly, it is never my intention to hurt, maybe to joke around and tease, but never hurt. I would know as I am, as reluctantly as I am to admit, somewhat sensitive to the words of others, even those whom I am close to and thus know their manners and character. I realized that I've become a quieter person these days, in hopes that the silence will discipline my lips and really think before I speak, as in th past, I am very sure that my words have often been said with half a thought and had hurt many others and I am truly sorry for that. Although I'm trying to speak less, its rather obvious that I still have lots to say, and I understand when people don't understand what I say, cause I agree, I tend to murmur and slur my speech, oh well. Words are really such a blunt tool of communication, especially verbal speech. It ticks me when people don't get what I say, not in the sense that my words are slurred or anything, but rather they don't get what  I'm trying to convey or mean to say, even when I structure my sentence as clearly as possible and speak coherently. Don't mind me, I'm just rambling, its how I settle my thoughts apart from drawing seemingly random things.

I have set up a high mental barrier to shield my emotions, from past experiences, I've learnt that giving my heart to another is a hurtful experience especially if the people given such a thing are not honourable in their words or true at heart. I pride myself in being able to read the expressions and words of people to somehow see through them, however, love does weird things to you. I am a person who truly respects honesty and although time and again, others has hurt me through facades and deceit, I am still willing to give you a chance to bear my heart which I readily give, however, the question lies in whether you accept it in full honesty. It is hard for me to admit this but, as inevitable as it, the past does indeed affect me and I am afraid that it will haunt me once more. Like an insecure boy, all I seek is confirmation and promise, but although it sounds simple, I know its a difficult demand to fulfill. I am a person who does things out of sincerity and it is with sincerity that I give away my heart, have no fear, I will guard yours as it were mine, but please do the same for me.

imagine a clock, the gears turning and meeting each teeth of another gear in a smooth orchestrated motion, fluid and elegant, yeah, mind used to be like that, but now, as I observe it, its getting rusty, with loud, dragging noises as they creak about their axles. Our minds like a muscle, it needs constant use to remain at its optimum level, leave it unused for long times and it will be like losing your memory, everything's just about out of reach or takes a lot longer to process. Damn, if this is gonna continue, i'm gonna lose a lot of IQ points when I go NS. Haii...

On another note, WHOOOOO, can't wait for my enlistment date! okay, hold on a minute, i'm not really THAT excited, but yknow, still is? cause its a new chapter of my life, with new people, a completely new experience, and obviously one that would greatly mature me, hopefully, HAHA! Its like th feeling you get while you're waiting in line for your turn to climb during a competition yknow, th lukewarm feeling, accompanied by the jittery nerves and excitement, yeah, that. and of course, ze money. looking forward to some sort of financial independence yea, hate asking my parents for money to go out or buy stuff, with a small albeit stable income, can lay off th burden abit yea, so its all good...

I'm not feeling pensive in any way, but just wanna update regarding matters of late.

Okay, so lets rewind a bit. Prom Night. Man, that was an epic night. Met with them gay climbers at our hotel room first to prepare, lol that was funny. Every one of us was good-looking, as always. Then we proceeded to the hotel and BAM! Like system shock sia, since when TJC got so many good-looking people?! HAH. So yeah, then badabing badaboom, end of prom stuff, a hell lot of photos, shit got tired of smiling, but it was such a happy event so its okay, and we're off to post-prom with the climbers! HAHAHAHAHA shit must not be told, so nuh-uh. But I sure can tell you it was hilarious x)

Hmm, okay lets see whats next. Oh yeah, Clements Birthday Party. HAHA Shit that was epic. But only for th later parts, at first they were many people and since everyones not really close to everyone, it was quite divided, then as the night went by, people left and the people whos left are th ones that know each other more and hence more comfortable with each other, hence leading to stupid shit conversations and mocking/jokes, take for example me being called BoobBoy. Met a couple of new people, made new friends, like the gayboy Minron from HCI, who so blatantly blamed me for corrupting him in just one night, and became closer to others, it was actually an opportunity to like catch up with people who've been missing throughout A's, namely Natesha the jewbear. LOL.

Joyce's birthdays chalets next! Hahaha it was a short chalet, didnt last the whole night like clements but it was still fun nonetheless. Actually during th chalet i realized my class is a bit retarded in their own unique way, which i find endearing.

So yeahh, thats about all th happenings that happened?
Shit i think im getting high, like those stoned high, not th hyperactive high. everything seems distant, the musics just floating around and yeah...

this a glorious morning people.
WHY? Cause, as thousands across Singapore have probably already screamed at th top of their lungs or silently whispered to their hearts, that A levels, is FINALLY, OFFICIALLY, over. Yes, yes, I am indeed late regarding this 'update' but I choose to only do it when it is really really over, y'know, when th last paper is done. Looking back now, it only lasted for FOUR measly weeks, but it sure felt longer, more like a month. Yeah, saying it differently has different effects on me, I'm weird like that. 2 years have passed and now we're back here in the bubble of emptiness, okay not for those IP/TA people, they have yet to experience such sensations.

Yet, in all the celebration amidst us, I would like to thank whomever that have supported and pushed me on yeah? The first is always Him and that goes without saying, secondly to my little sister, who witnessed me in all my agony as I came as close to cracking as I have ever been and through a simple post-it note on my mirror, managed to give me the drive to carry on, it read 'Mat, you've gone too far to stop now! Rmb, it is you who takes away your own confidence. Ingat dia je (Just remember Him), CHEMON LEE!'. A simple message to remind me that no matter all the words of encouragement spoken to you, it still boils down to your own desire to achieve. So here it is, thank you little sister. Thirdly, to my mother and father, who despite her cluelessness regarding the rigour and significance of JC life, have always given faith to me to always look at th positive side of things, to always have your hopes high and only speak of the good things and to my dad, for being the silent disciplinarian in the family, always hoping the best out of me yet never saying it, but its okay, your little contributions may seem invisible to others but not me, I see the little things you do behind my back to provide support, from simple acts of not watching your favourite soccer match cause you know it'll be noisy for me to sending me to school ( and failing to do so cause he sent me to me secondary school! ). Thank you mom and dad, I am eternally grateful for your deeds. And LASTLY, to all of you gay people who've shared th same boat throughout this journey, th times spent groaning and lamenting regarding A's, th times spent wondering what happens after As with eyes bright with hope and enthusiasm, and th times we toiled together in libraries, at homes, under the blocks, at the bustops, in th buses, at the Expo, at school, uniting our drive to support each other, Thank you my friends.

Strangely, th small and soft consolation I whisper to my heart, that As is finally over, has a greater effect on me than screaming it out with my all of my lungs as I initially thought.

And to celebrate the end of As, ahh as usual, it is with them gays, you climbers. Nothing beats spending time with you guys man, seriously, for all the nonsensical bullshit we share, underneath all that cock and bull, lies a connection between all of us, and for that, damn I have no words to speak of. Love you guys man, especially th guys, you fags. Such a weird manner of expression huh? Oh well, HAHA! and Of course with Natasha, whom you guys would only recently discover, except for some, yeah. :)

I WILL TOTALLY BE LATE FOR SCHOOL TODAY BUT OH WELL.

just for the feeling yeah;
A's IS OVERRRRR

Everyone has their flaws, some big some small.
Though sometimes, it really gets in your face and you either just keep it in, or just shoot th person down. I have a strong tendency to just keep it in, y'know, just let it bounce about in my mind, usually it'll die down after awhile, but sometimes, when it occurs too frequently, you just feel like exploding. This is probably one of the reasons why inside i'm a pretty angry kid, but oh well, i'm sure its all safely locked inside, pity the person who unknowingly makes me explode. Furthermore, today something happened and I realized that I'm hardly sad because I channel my sad emotions into anger, and I think thats rather unhealthy, but oh well, thats the way I deal with things yea... Theres no special way of presenting my thoughts today, initially had a draft in my head when I was angry and all, but its all dissipated into nothingness so its just plain words. Mm, I'm tired. Goodbye

Smiling in the dark

This familiar rumble, of ups and down, and of butterflies,
yet, they are in th wrong place, no, not in my stomach.
Rather, it is in this little heart of mine. Oh th irony.
Like hot ice, this bittersweet feeling envelopes me whole.
I close my eyes, and listen to the beating of my heart,
Th organic morse code machine, sending a message.
Like th first sprout of spring, it will never cease to amaze,
th silence and darkness, right before th fireworks explode into colour.
All rivers take a meandering path, but it will always lead to the sea.
Alas, I have taken a slow meandering journey, and what awaits me?
Surprise, surprise it is as I have foreseen, nonetheless, surprisingly.
Ohh th irony, this familiar rumble, of ups, and downs, and of butterflies,
Is it me, or is it fate, or is it just my luck?

... ... .. .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . . . .. . . .. .. . .

I know, I know, A's is in 6 days!
But who am I to impede?